Well, at least last night's sleep was a little better. It was well past 1 this morning when sleep finally enveloped me, but it's a lot better than the previous few nights. I'm trying not to fight the direction my thoughts take me when I lie in the dark thinking about last week's events; I figure I have to process this stuff at some point, so I may as well get through it now.
I have to say that the shock of that phonecall to Child Welfare is still uppermost in my mind. I lie in bed and keep thinking over and over 'What would drive someone do that? I don't understand.' Of course, I have no answers. I have re-read many of my blog posts from the past six weeks or so and, although I see the discouragement and struggles and really hard days, I just cannot find anything there that seems to make such a phonecall justifiable. I've tried to imagine circumstances in which I might take similar action and the scenarios I have envisioned look much different than what I read on my blog. I've also tried imagine situations where I would feel it necessary to make such a phonecall anonymously and I can't - I am lacking in objectivity.s
I also lie in bed thinking about all of the 'what ifs' and at that point fear usually overtakes me to the point where my heart starts to pound and I have to get up for a while until calmer thoughts prevail. Too often I'm forgetting to pray in the heat of the moment, and I'm not sure what that's about because when I do pray, peace of mind and heart come much more quickly.
Maybe my deepest fear is really that all of my best parenting efforts just aren't good enough. I'm a conscientious mother and I think that we're doing all right on this front, and we're doing everything we can possibly think of to help our kids maximize their potential...but I guess it doesn't take much scratching below the surface to face my own insecurities.
It's interesting to observe about myself that, despite the good feedback I've had about how the kids (and Geoff and I) are doing, despite so many lovely emails and comments telling me that we're doing a good job, despite even the social worker thinking that we were just fine, for Pete's Sake, it takes one, just one, thing like that call to Child Welfare to rattle my parenting self confidence. Just one person can make me doubt myself that much. Wow.
And hmm...that insight just helped me. That's not right. I need to grow back my spine, and fast. One person - an anonymous person, no less - should not be allowed that kind of power over me.
Ok, with that, I think I just finished processing! Really, as I was writing this, it just hit me: I can be done with this.
I have so many better things to spend my energy, time, and writing efforts on. I'm going to re-name this post (right now it reads 'Can't Quite Stop Obsessing'), press the Publish button, and then I am moving on.
Remember the old Jefferson's TV show? Well, I, too, am movin' on u-u-up...
Watch me. This is me...movin' on up!