This Isn't Working.

I am a wreck.  I feel like we have destroyed Matthew's life.  He is not doing well.  For a few weeks, it seemed as if he was really turning a corner, but this last week was hellish again - in part because Seth's tantrums escalated again, but mostly because Matthew was not coping well.  I know Matthew better than anyone, but even I simply don't know what to do to help him anymore.

He can't control himself any more...at all.  He calls Seth names, points his fingers at Seth in an imitation of guns, can't bear when Seth looks at him, looks for opportunity to irritate or aggravate Seth, taunts and hits Seth, and goes into huge screaming rages when something doesn't go his way.  This is not a spoiled child, and this is not normal behaviour for him. He is trying so hard to adjust to his new reality and it's not working.  When I ask him to stop his behaviours, or empathize with how hard this is for him, it makes no difference - he just can't stop the behaviours and thinks of himself as a "horrible big brother" because he can't stop himself from acting the way he does despite his best efforts.  It's breaking my heart.

We're spending as much time with him one-on-one as possible, but that's not making an impact either.  He wants to leave on an extended break with Geoff and me, but of course that can't happen.  He won't leave the house without me, so he's stuck in the mire here.  He takes forever to fall asleep at night and needs to talk issues through at great length before he can sleep, and I am so exhausted.  Seth wakes up as early as 5:45 am, and Matthew can't fall asleep until close to midnight, and I am 'on' with them every minute of the time between, with no down time other than a couple of hours/week when I try to get out of the house.

Just this morning, Matthew went into something close to hysterics just because he was asked to change from pajamas into a pair of shorts before going outside.  An hour before this, he had another on-the-floor fit of hysteria over something else.  He can tolerate nothing. Watching him writhe on the floor (and lying there with him), screaming and crying with rage and sorrow so far beyond what is merited by circumstances is killing me.  I am utterly helpless, despite putting on a strong and comforting face for him.  His mood swings from cheerful and playful and engaging, to desperate and angry and screaming - with only moments between extremes.

When he has these episodes now, I get through them with him but then sink into a state of abject despair - it feels something like an anxiety attack at times.  Geoff finally suggested that I leave the house for a couple of hours today because I simply couldn't cope - I hid in the bathroom or library and couldn't stop crying.  I feel like this is never going to be better, and I am desperate to help my boy and I haven't a clue how to do it.  I really think we've wrecked his life.  He's too sensitive - he can't handle life disruption to this degree.

For those who are waiting for return emails or phonecalls from me - I'm sorry; I'm not doing a very good job of keeping on top of things these days.  I don't want to see anyone.  I just want to curl up in a ball, or leave home with Matthew.  I have to keep doing this, but I don't know how to even get through the next hour.