I just can't figure it out. I am a stay at home mom with the entire day at my disposal. And I just can't get anything/everything done. I wish sometimes that I could be a stay at home mom without any kids at home but of course that's ridiculous and so I'm stuck with kids hanging on to my every limb and word every flipping second of every flipping day...including right now.
The house is a mess; our start back to school has been slow and fraught with tantrums and a general lack of willingness (mostly by the boys); I haven't been menu planning and so every afternoon seems to be met with the surprise that sounds in my brain something like oh-shoot-and-I-have-to-get-something-going-for-dinner-yet-too-oh-crap-oh-crap-why-didn't-I-do-a-menu-plan-cause-I-don't-have-a-clue-what-to-cook-can-I-just-run-away; I repeat that pretty much every room in the house looks like a tornado hit it and I just can't get on top of it much less get to any of the four-page list of organizational projects that I came up with over Christmas; my h/school plans are, at best, mediocre and I just don't feel like doing school any more than the boys do but I can't take an extended break because they seriously forget what they've learned if I do; Lizzie's hair is in need of attention and I can't even find two hours to do something reasonable with it; I haven't baked since before Christmas and we're all longing for some simple muffins; I've just added karate as a regularly scheduled once-a-week activity for the boys, which means being more organized the rest of the week to get school done and that, frankly, seems like an impossibility; my hair hasn't been cut in over ten months and it looks terrible and I don't want to end up like a frizzy-haired-and-unkempt-h/school-mother-that-used-to-be-my-stereotype-and-now-I-find-that-I'm-fast-headed-in-that-direction, but I don't want to use up a precious Thursday evening alone/friend time to get my hair done; there are at least four loads of laundry waiting to be folded and a gazillion loads yet to put through the washer; my kitchen floor could be eaten off of and I don't mean that in a it's-so-clean kinda way; I'm sick of hearing requests to watch tv now that we've ended the holidays and are back into minimal tv-watching mode but I'm tempted to say 'yes' nonetheless because I just want a daytime break sometimes; I worry about ever being able to teach my kids organizational and discipline skills given that I'm not modelling it these days; I've been procrastinating making dentist and doctors appointments for all of the kids because I just can't bear the thought of fitting one more thing into the week that involves waiting and waiting on top of screaming children who need their teeth examined and vaccinations to be injected; I've been terrible at returning emails lately because I've been limited to post-bedtime hours and I'm just not getting this done so I'm sure people are frustrated that I haven't responded to them in a timely way; I still have a half suitcase to unpack from our Christmas vacation and we've been back for over two weeks (how embarrassing is that??!); I've got kids with issues that have me engaged in deep conversations multiple times every freaking day about things that exhaust my brain because the weight of those issues are significant and have lasting value in their lives, and those conversations just never seem to stop coming; my kids seem bored regularly throughout the day of late and extra whiny and I'm just tired of hearing it all; I've been breaking up and contributing to more household squabbling than I'm comfortable with and I'm pretty sure that I'm not demonstrating very gracious parenting methods lately; Geoff's been tired lately, too, and hasn't been helping out with evening kitchen clean-up which means that unless I get some big burst of energy after the kids are all in bed (yeah, right) I'm cleaning up last night's dishes before breakfast even starts; I'm tired despite getting a surprisingly-reasonable amount of sleep lately; and I didn't even bother to make my bed this morning because I figured 'why bother' because everything else around it looks like a mess.
That is probably the longest sentence I've ever written and I can't even be bothered to go back and clean it up. Sad isn't it?
What the heck am I doing wrong, that I can't balance and manage everything?