Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Seriously...What Am I Doing Wrong?

I just can't figure it out.  I am a stay at home mom with the entire day at my disposal.  And I just can't get anything/everything done.  I wish sometimes that I could be a stay at home mom without any kids at home but of course that's ridiculous and so I'm stuck with kids hanging on to my every limb and word every flipping second of every flipping day...including right now.

The house is a mess; our start back to school has been slow and fraught with tantrums and a general lack of willingness (mostly by the boys); I haven't been menu planning and so every afternoon seems to be met with the surprise that sounds in my brain something like oh-shoot-and-I-have-to-get-something-going-for-dinner-yet-too-oh-crap-oh-crap-why-didn't-I-do-a-menu-plan-cause-I-don't-have-a-clue-what-to-cook-can-I-just-run-away; I repeat that pretty much every room in the house looks like a tornado hit it and I just can't get on top of it much less get to any of the four-page list of organizational projects that I came up with over Christmas; my h/school plans are, at best, mediocre and I just don't feel like doing school any more than the boys do but I can't take an extended break because they seriously forget what they've learned if I do; Lizzie's hair is in need of attention and I can't even find two hours to do something reasonable with it; I haven't baked since before Christmas and we're all longing for some simple muffins; I've just added karate as a regularly scheduled once-a-week activity for the boys, which means being more organized the rest of the week to get school done and that, frankly, seems like an impossibility; my hair hasn't been cut in over ten months and it looks terrible and I don't want to end up like a frizzy-haired-and-unkempt-h/school-mother-that-used-to-be-my-stereotype-and-now-I-find-that-I'm-fast-headed-in-that-direction, but I don't want to use up a precious Thursday evening alone/friend time to get my hair done; there are at least four loads of laundry waiting to be folded and a gazillion loads yet to put through the washer; my kitchen floor could be eaten off of and I don't mean that in a it's-so-clean kinda way; I'm sick of hearing requests to watch tv now that we've ended the holidays and are back into minimal tv-watching mode but I'm tempted to say 'yes' nonetheless because I just want a daytime break sometimes; I worry about ever being able to teach my kids organizational and discipline skills given that I'm not modelling it these days; I've been procrastinating making dentist and doctors appointments for all of the kids because I just can't bear the thought of fitting one more thing into the week that involves waiting and waiting on top of screaming children who need their teeth examined and vaccinations to be injected; I've been terrible at returning emails lately because I've been limited to post-bedtime hours and I'm just not getting this done so I'm sure people are frustrated that I haven't responded to them in a timely way; I still have a half suitcase to unpack from our Christmas vacation and we've been back for over two weeks (how embarrassing is that??!); I've got kids with issues that have me engaged in deep conversations multiple times every freaking day about things that exhaust my brain because the weight of those issues are significant and have lasting value in their lives, and those conversations just never seem to stop coming; my kids seem bored regularly throughout the day of late and extra whiny and I'm just tired of hearing it all; I've been breaking up and contributing to more household squabbling than I'm comfortable with and I'm pretty sure that I'm not demonstrating very gracious parenting methods lately; Geoff's been tired lately, too, and hasn't been helping out with evening kitchen clean-up which means that unless I get some big burst of energy after the kids are all in bed (yeah, right) I'm cleaning up last night's dishes before breakfast even starts; I'm tired despite getting a surprisingly-reasonable amount of sleep lately; and I didn't even bother to make my bed this morning because I figured 'why bother' because everything else around it looks like a mess.

That is probably the longest sentence I've ever written and I can't even be bothered to go back and clean it up.  Sad isn't it?

What the heck am I doing wrong, that I can't balance and manage everything?

28 comments:

  1. Umm...I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think if we're willing to be honest, all of us moms go through waves like this where everything seems out of control and we feel like we're barely keeping our heads above water, or maybe even swallowing a bit. I know I have certainly felt this way (this past summer immediately comes to mind). I think a hard thing for me is that my work is never done; the list never dwindles.
    Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself. Allow yourself some time to recharge. Grace, grace, grace...so easy to say and so easy to give ourselves.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my goodness Ruth. This is the battle all of us multitasking moms have. It is so incredibly hard to keep all of the balls spinning in the air at the same time! Its crazy to think it can be done, and i used to let on that it was possible but now i dont care..lol! I think we just need to be kind to ourselves and do what we can. I go through this at this time of year too so i went out for the day, yes the entire day with my husband, bought myself something i had wanted for a long time, had dinner with friends all to get my mojo going. Take some time, juice up those batteries and take solace that most of us are losing the laundry war! Seems like you are not doing anything wrong, you are just normal and honest about the life blips we all have.
    Blessings
    Tracey

    ReplyDelete
  3. Really? Really?? DO others seriously go through this? I really DON'T know this. It seems like every time I go to someone else's house, they warn me that their house is a mess but when I get there it's looking pretty darn good to me and I think about the disaster I left at home and I feel like a failure...and they have muffins, to boot.

    I find this so frustrating. I'm a (generally) smart woman and I'm mad at myself for missing something, because either way I'm missing something here: Either that I need to be doing something radically different in my household to make balance more possible; or that other mothers really have more organizational/household management challenges than they appear to have.

    I feel like I should be able to figure this out...I really do. I want to bang my head on a wall until I figure this out.

    AAAHHH!!! That's my scream of frustration. Thank u both, Sharon and Tracey, for being able to relate!!

    Hugs,

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ruth, I'm going through the same thing at the moment, same thoughts & feelings of being overwhelmed.

    Add to the mix that we just moved, trying to get settled into living in my in-laws place (while our house goes through an extensive renovation).

    Jane

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't relate. I have no children, no home (just a condo), no responsibility to teach children, no after-school activities, no muffins to bake, no hair care routines to adhere to, no family-size meals to prep., no family amount of dishes, and certainly not three little people hovering over me. However, what I can do is offer you my perspective as a social worker. Normally, I don't think that's worth too much, but this time, you might actually be able to get a bit of relief out of what I can share with you. I am in hundreds of homes every year. Hundreds! From the very wealthy to the very not. From the very organized to the very chaotic. I see and assess every aspect of many families. As such, I can fully assure you that while you have some added complexities to face in a day, you are going through a period that almost every family goes through. Some weekly, some monthly, and some less than that, but nearly all have hit those points where their best efforts just aren't enough. And that is okay. It's more than okay really. Yes, you listed off all of the things you can't get done, but through that, most of us reading could see what you are getting done. Your house and your hair may not be standing up so well, but your kids have someone there, someone who is putting aside daily stuff to ensure they get what they need right now. Okay, so school might be important and sure it's worth getting to, but it's not worth torturing yourself over. It'll come together, it will. Scholastic gains don't build families, the stuff you're doing does. I see families entering into "the perfect household stage (kids are growing up and moving out)" and I'm not sure that it is as sweet as it might seem. Most times, I hear that they'd give anything to go back to the days where the dishes were piled high, fingerprints were on everything, and nobody was doing what they were supposed to be doing. Embrace it, take a break (an after holidays holiday is just fine), ask for help (this seems like it could be a tough one for you), and cut yourself some slack (that last one is an order, yep, this RSW from Ontario is a bit bossy)! You could wake up tomorrow with every good intention and it could be unravelled before the first child gets out of bed. All you can do is what you're doing and I'll bet that's more than enough for now. You'll get to the rest when you get to it. If not, you'll have had a chance to rest a bit before you implement any radical changes. Radical changes and times that result in screams of frustration should stay far away from each other. Keep venting, sharing, and feel free to disagree. If none of this is even a bit helpful, just know that people are wishing the very best for you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jane, I'm sorry to hear you're in it, too, and I'm sure that moving in with the in-laws is no picnic either. Man, I hope those renos aren't scheduled to take too long!

    R

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, Janelle, for a woman who started out by saying that you couldn't relate, you sure hit the nail on the head in a zillion ways. I felt hugged when I read your words.

    You also reminded me that some day, when we're in that perfect-household-kids-moving-away stage, I AM going to miss this. I'm going to cry about how much I miss it. I always used to say that I wanted a busy and noisy household and you know what, gosh darn it, I got it! I guess a price to pay for that is the mess and the feeling of constant disorganization and chaos. But you're absolutely right about me - I am, at my core, a sentimental and nostalgic person and I will miss these days.
    The truth is that I have so much to be thankful for; that feeling of thanksgiving just sometimes gets lost under the 'overwhelmingness' of the mounds of dishes and to-do lists and laundry and oh-so-loud-kids. It's been getting to me of late. I think I'm also focusing so much on everything I'm NOT doing (and that's a big pile) that it seems impossible to see what IS getting done.
    Janelle, seriously, thank you. I'm totally benefiting today from your experience as a SW and as a woman who's also got a lot on her plate. I needed to hear from you.
    Man, I wish I could give you a hug!

    R

    ReplyDelete
  8. I feel like this most of the time, came here to leave you a hug, and felt your friend/SW words, it made ME feel better!--Thanks 'Janelle' and hugs to you Ruth, it will pass! Just start out with doing ONE thing!--that's it, just ONE!!!--Take something simple. Like out of your list I've realized I haven't been that good at Menu Planning for a couple of weeks, which while I hate doing it, and asking the husband what he wants-hearing the answer 'Whatever...'--grrr...once it's done, I have the grocery list made while I'm doing it, it REALLY helps my week!!!--plus, it leaves out 'ok...guess we are having Mac&cheese again'--ugh...So right now, I'm going to take my time this morning and write out 'the list'--I'm hoping it snowballs from there, but at least I'll get one thing done ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. You're quite welcome! Take a deep breath, push away what isn't getting done, and enjoy the family you work so hard for. Hope you have a great day today!

    ReplyDelete
  10. See Janelle?? Now you're helping OTHER people too!

    Thanks Jennifer, for the comment and suggestion. Just one thing huh? Well, I think I'm about to go make my bed - I think that'll be my one thing. SOmehow if the bed doesn't get made, everything seems a little worse. Who knows, maybe I'll even join you in trying to get a menu plan done. Maybe I'll even convince myself to put a movie on for the kids this afternoon just so that I can tidy and organize a few things. There's something about a messy/disastrous house that feels disquieting to my soul...maybe that's part of why I'm feeling overwhelmed.

    All right...let's go to it. Making my bed now.

    R

    ReplyDelete
  11. oh Ruth...you just wrote about my life!! :)
    But you also inspired me...I AM going to go make muffins this minute, and while they bake I am going to look at my meals for the week (I actually made a plan this week but it needs some tweaking b/c I did a big cook and don't want to waste anything....)
    I can't get it all done...but I can get something done this morning. Boy did I need that boost - many thanks!
    L.

    ReplyDelete
  12. That's awesome, Leanne!

    Now...how about bringing some of those muffins over here?!!! :)

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ruth, you're not alone. As I often tell my kids, the easiest way to eat an elephant is 'one bite at at time'. I'm a very practical polly, when it comes to it. Slap a sleep/swim cap on that hair to just hide it for a couple of days until you gain some ground! Get the kids doing the laundry duty (I call it husband/wife-in-training time!) They are seeing why I procratinate, plus the one with the nasty hygiene habits is realizing how gross it is to touch their clothing. Bonuses all around, I tell you!!

    Here is one of my fave slow-cooker recipes - I put my slow-cooker in the garage so my house doesn't smell like someone's tandoori kitchen :)
    http://tastykitchen.com/blog/2011/03/slow-cooker-coconut-chicken-curry/
    I double it, and freeze the 2nd half.

    When it's been ugly at my place, I've been known to have the kids play Helen Keller. Where nobody can talk. Whining/complaining nets laps around the backyard. That kind of thing. I HAVE found that the work I give the kids that involves hard physical work/effort really settles them down.

    Maybe ask your readers for some sanity-saver recipes/menu plans, and take what works. We all have stuff we'd love to share...and we are here to boost each other as needed.

    ReplyDelete
  14. ended up with scones...and I would LOVE to share them with you! :)
    Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly) it didn't take as long as I thought...and there was only one mishap (little guy closed his fingers in a drawer while I was baking...)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oooh. I forgot to say before. When I'm desperate, I use paper plates/plastic cutlery. Just to get a toe-hold. See. We're all in the same boat. We just don't always confess. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks Mrs CHangstein, and also for the laugh - the swim cap idea has been sitting with me for the past hour or so and I keep laughing. Have you actually DONE that?

    Thanks, too for the slow cooker recipe - I'm going there shortly to check it out. And what brilliance re: paper plates, etc - I even have some in the house at the moment.

    And you've reminded me of something I tried once. When my oldest was a real handful some time back, I had him run up and down stairs repeatedly...and it actually seemed to calm him down. Maybe I need to try that again 'cause he's a real piece of work this week.

    Leanne, the scones sound great - good for you. And I was just teasing about sharing...despite how yummy they sound!! Did you end up doing a meal plan as well?

    Thanks folks. Crappy week, but nice to feel supported.

    Ruth



    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks Ruth, I DID end up finishing my Menu plan!!!--YAY!!! (took me longer than just the morning, but it's done, and the grocery list is ready for tomorrow!). I even took Job to the church gym to just RUN and RUN and RUN!!!--he still didn't nap very well, but I think that means he *might* sleep through the night ;) - lets HOPE!!! Thanks for 'keeping it real'--we are ALL right there with you!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi Ruth,
    Is this not what January is always supposed to be like??? It is for me... And I keep accidentally scheduling appointments in my home each January. Hmmmm. Last year it was a homestudy update visit (now that was pressure), this year it was an intake for physio and OT for Alexander yesterday. I actually thought that this year would not have "January syndrome" since I'm on leave, but it still happened. But I must say that these silly visists happening in January do force you to do a bit of late night catch up. I can't say I have cauht up yet, but it' a start. The piles got a little smaller this week. Do you have any in-home visits that will be really inconvenient that you can schedule to kick start the process? Now if only I can finish the to-do list in the next 2.5 weeks when life gets turned upside down again when I go back to work.
    So I'd say that you are completely normal, or we're all crazy.
    Ellen

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hey Ellen -
    That's an interesting thought about Januarys. I'm actually a little different than you on this one - usually Januarys are rather productive times for me - something about the new year usually motivates me and I often get lots done this month...though certainly not this one so far! I'm a bit strange in this, I suppose, unless crazy is the norm.

    Wow - going back to work in 2.5 weeks? How're you feeling about that? Excited? Mixed emotions? Sad?

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  20. Jennifer, good for you for getting that menu plan done - it truly is a relief to menu plan and I need to get myself back into the routine. I hoped to do it today, but it was a rather hard day on the kid front again so it's going to have to wait - hopefully tomorrow.

    Here's to hoping that Job makes it all the way through the night!

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  21. Well Ruth, it all sounds very familiar. Before Christmas I was in such a state that I was overheard saying, "I wish I could just send my kids to school for one week so I could get some stuff done around here!" Blasphemy! Of course, I've chosen being with my kids over a clean house, and I'm sticking by that choice. And it is a choice... I don't think you can have both. Whoever those awful friends with clean houses are, you're probably witnessing the two hours of clean they're having that year. Either that or they've got a pact with the devil! A few times a year, my parents come over and clean my house, otherwise, it's usually a mess. Folding laundry has fallen off the to-do list - when the kids can't find anything to wear, I direct them to the "laundry sofa." Some people have dressers or cupboards - we have chesterfields. I made my kids vow to help me clean up before I sent you the recent invite to come over. But don't worry, we won't do a great job of it. There may be muffins, but there'll also be the tins stacked in the sink and drips of batter all over. 'Cause that's how we do! The other day I was changing after a run home from work. My running clothes were a bit stinky, as they are wont to be, and I found myself reacting with negative, judgmental feelings towards them... and towards myself. Corny as it sounds, I took a few moments to be with them in a non-judgmental way, just accepting them as they are. This is what post-run clothes smell like. I spend so much time fighting what is. Your post, and some of the lovely responses, have prompted me to offer the same acceptance to my house and life, right now. I'm going to take a good look around, suspending judgment, just taking it all in and accepting it for what is. Look! This is my life. This is it. I'll undoubtedly have another meltdown tomorrow, but thanks for sharing your struggles and allowing me just a moment of peace and reflection!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Tammy, Tammy, how I LOVED your comment...you wrote just like you talk! I laughed out loud about the laundry sofa and I hope I get to see it.
    I also love the benevolence you are feeling towards stinky clothes and your home - that's awesome and I hope the feeling persists when you wake up tomorrow.

    And seriously, when we come over, I hope to see a less-than-stellar home - that will be a lovely thing to behold!

    Hugs...and see you soon, I hope.

    R

    ReplyDelete
  23. Where did you go wrong? In your VERY FIRST PARAGRAPH! You do not have the whole day at your disposal, crazy lady. On the contrary, you have sixteen bazillion different responsibilities and nowhere near enough time to get everything done. The fact that your responsibilities are based at your home makes them harder, not easier, imho. If you were working in an office (like I do, part time) you would not be responsible forcatering the mmeetings and cleaning the office and doing the post and managing the company budget. Whereas at home you have to do all that, which would be quiteenough to be getting on with , AS WELL AS TEACHING THREE KIDS OF DIFFERENT AGES.

    You do not have the whole day at your disposal. The whole day has YOU at ITS disposal, and that's an entirely different thing.

    Love you, Ruth. This season will pass.

    ReplyDelete
  24. OK, Claudia, I admit that yours is a very fresh perspective and that I have never once thought of the situation in this way. It sounds rather ridiculous when you put it that way.

    And it's also true that I find it hard to teach kids at three different levels/ages - mostly because each of the kids learns extremely differently from the other, and so there's no repeating of what worked before - I constantly feel like I'm re-inventing the wheel in order to reach and teach the kid I have in front of me.

    OK, thanks Claudia. You've given me more to stew on. Maybe I DO have some expectation issues to deal with in myself.

    BLessings on your day, my friend.

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  25. sweet pea!!! This sounds like me not long ago and I remember your advice to me!!!
    Stop everything! As Claudia said this season will pass. just ride it out;0
    If the kids forget everything they have learned...oh well. They will learn it faster next time. :) Hang in there but who gives a toss if your house is messy. Clean it just enough that you can stand it (this can involve closets and under beds..useful storage places).
    love darci

    ReplyDelete
  26. Love reading through these comments-so seriously encouraging!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hey Darci -
    Yes, I well remember. Honestly, it feels like already I've stopped most things - I'm not actually DOING that much, other than having heavy conversation after heavy conversation and reading out loud.

    I guess I just need to accept that this is it for now...until the season passes and we can move on to other things.

    Hugs, from Sweet Pea.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Sharon, I couldn't agree with you more! It's been a very uplifting experience.

    R

    ReplyDelete