Sunday, August 28, 2011

This Isn't Working.

I am a wreck.  I feel like we have destroyed Matthew's life.  He is not doing well.  For a few weeks, it seemed as if he was really turning a corner, but this last week was hellish again - in part because Seth's tantrums escalated again, but mostly because Matthew was not coping well.  I know Matthew better than anyone, but even I simply don't know what to do to help him anymore.

He can't control himself any more...at all.  He calls Seth names, points his fingers at Seth in an imitation of guns, can't bear when Seth looks at him, looks for opportunity to irritate or aggravate Seth, taunts and hits Seth, and goes into huge screaming rages when something doesn't go his way.  This is not a spoiled child, and this is not normal behaviour for him. He is trying so hard to adjust to his new reality and it's not working.  When I ask him to stop his behaviours, or empathize with how hard this is for him, it makes no difference - he just can't stop the behaviours and thinks of himself as a "horrible big brother" because he can't stop himself from acting the way he does despite his best efforts.  It's breaking my heart.

We're spending as much time with him one-on-one as possible, but that's not making an impact either.  He wants to leave on an extended break with Geoff and me, but of course that can't happen.  He won't leave the house without me, so he's stuck in the mire here.  He takes forever to fall asleep at night and needs to talk issues through at great length before he can sleep, and I am so exhausted.  Seth wakes up as early as 5:45 am, and Matthew can't fall asleep until close to midnight, and I am 'on' with them every minute of the time between, with no down time other than a couple of hours/week when I try to get out of the house.

Just this morning, Matthew went into something close to hysterics just because he was asked to change from pajamas into a pair of shorts before going outside.  An hour before this, he had another on-the-floor fit of hysteria over something else.  He can tolerate nothing. Watching him writhe on the floor (and lying there with him), screaming and crying with rage and sorrow so far beyond what is merited by circumstances is killing me.  I am utterly helpless, despite putting on a strong and comforting face for him.  His mood swings from cheerful and playful and engaging, to desperate and angry and screaming - with only moments between extremes.

When he has these episodes now, I get through them with him but then sink into a state of abject despair - it feels something like an anxiety attack at times.  Geoff finally suggested that I leave the house for a couple of hours today because I simply couldn't cope - I hid in the bathroom or library and couldn't stop crying.  I feel like this is never going to be better, and I am desperate to help my boy and I haven't a clue how to do it.  I really think we've wrecked his life.  He's too sensitive - he can't handle life disruption to this degree.

For those who are waiting for return emails or phonecalls from me - I'm sorry; I'm not doing a very good job of keeping on top of things these days.  I don't want to see anyone.  I just want to curl up in a ball, or leave home with Matthew.  I have to keep doing this, but I don't know how to even get through the next hour.

25 comments:

  1. I am sorry you are going through this, no advice but can sure see how tough this is........praying for your sanity and strength.

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  2. I have so many thoughts and feelings after reading this post....It will suffice to say that I love you, am holding you in my heart, and that I have hope for you and Matthew, Seth and Lizzie even when you can't.

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  3. Just emailed you, my friend. <3

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  4. ((((Big Hugs))))) Bringing home adopted children is a big adjustment for EVERYBODY!!! I get it, we go through moments of aggression in our house too!!!
    Debbie

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  5. Ruth, I'm so sorry. I don't have words. I have a girl who is struggling a bit with her new role in our family(not to the same degree) but it is so hard to watch and I don't know what to do, either.

    Ruth, I don't know how to help but I promise you that I will pray for you. May God grant you much wisdom, patience, endurance and strength through this.

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  6. Oh love, I'm so sorry you are having a rough go...sending strength and love your way...

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  7. I am thinking of you and your family. I cannot imagine how hard it is for you but I do recall thinking to myself many times, what did we do? Will it always be like this, and it felt like it would but it wasn't. Praying for you family.

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  8. Ruth I am so sorry you're going through this. I thought I just sent you a long e-mail but I did something wrong. ANYhow, I will pray for you and your family.Just want you to know I care, and I hope this week will be much better for you.

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  9. I'm so sorry that you're struggling, Ruth, and that Matthew is having such a difficult time.

    I'm just finishing a book called "Playful Parenting" (I know, not exactly what you have in mind right now) but there's a great chapter on accepting strong negative feelings and some interesting ways to deal with them. Let me know if you're interested - I'd happily drop the book off to you.

    Kathie

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  10. Not wanting to be too harsh, but you (meaning your whole family) MUST get professional help NOW! Find a good family therapist (with or without adoption experience, right now it really doesn't matter) and start talking with an objective outsider! You need some new ideas, or some new perspective. Matthew could probably use a child therapist on his own, to deal with his issues. I have a sensitive son as well and I know what this could be doing to him. Mom and Dad are great, but sometimes we need to talk to someone on the outside. Please, please, please consider outside help quickly.

    DO NOT isolate yourself. That is the worst thing you could do right now. Talk to friends!

    Take it from me, I've been there. Sometimes we need to say we cannot do this ourselves and get help. There is no shame in admitting our methods are not working. There is greater admiration for those who are brave enough to admit they need help and go out and find it.

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  11. Oh Ruth, I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Know that there are MANY people who care and who understand. I promise that I am praying for you.

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  12. my friend..just sneaking in a moment to catch up on blogs and read this. oh ruth..my heart aches for you. i am praying, praying praying...call anytime . I have absolutely no advice, but I will listen, and pray. love you. darci

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  13. Oh Ruth, I am really sorry to hear about Matthew struggles. I pray that your family find the way to connect all together. Hang on my friend.

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  14. While I can't offer any advice, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending out some positive thoughts into the universe that this will get better for you and all your little ones. Thank you for your honesty yet again and we are all rooting for you.

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  15. Oh, this is really hard Ruth and if anyone has shown they are doing everything a person can do, you have shown that and I have enormous appreciate and admiration for you. I do think that getting some additional support though, would be really beneficial at this point of things. From what you say, you're so tired that it must be hard to recover to keeping starting anew. Thinking of you and hoping for some respite.

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  16. I can't understand or imagine on the level of another child at home, but I can SO empathise because I am sure many days the way I feel is the same way that Matthew is feeling: frustrated, disappointed, out of control, scared and sad. Just this morning I talked to my husband about getting some counselling for myself to figure out how to cope and be better at this whole thing. My heart aches for all of you - I hope you can find some support/help. A

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  17. Ruth,

    Matthew sounds like he is grieving very deeply. Poor little guy. So confusing and sad for him.

    I commend you for being able to look with eyes of compassion at this incredibly difficult time. Big hug to you.

    I agree that you guys need some immediate support. If I can help get you a list of names, just say the word.

    It will get better, friend, though it's almost impossible to see when you are living in the middle of it. So sorry you are all having such a trying time right now. My thoughts are with you.

    Chris

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  18. I know that it is probably hard to believe and that I may not even help to hear it, but it gets better. It doesn't just get better. It gets good.

    There will be a day where Matthew is so thankful that he has Seth as a brother. It will take time and may even take professional help before he gets there, but he will get there.

    Matthew has had his life turned upside down and it may take some outside help such as a play therapist or family counsellor before he starts to heal and accept his new normal.

    I will e-mail you later, but please don't feel the need to reply. I've been at that place where just even answering the phone or replying to an e-mail or going out for groceries feels like it would take more than I had in me.

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  19. I remember wanting to run away so badly. I feel for you.

    Poor Matthew. If it is so hard for us to transition I can't imagine what it is like for kids.

    Lots of love to you all and I would take Chris up on that offer...sometimes a third party can bring new perspective.

    Rana

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  20. My heart aches for little Matthew! I have a son the same age, and I worry what struggles he will go through when we bring our child/ren home. I know our struggles won't nearly be as difficult as he is not an only child and won't have that adjustment to make. While my heart goes out to your family, I am also thankful for some insight into the potential problems with ages and genders. Thank you for that.

    I am wondering if Matthew wouldn't benefit from talking to a therapist? I am sure with time, this will all be forgotten and Matthew won't be able to imagine life without his siblings by his side! Being a single child for 6/7 years... the adjustment is sure to take some time. Keep up the great work and hang in there!

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  21. I don't know you or your family personally so please feel free to take this with a grain of salt. I am an only child raised by a single mom. In my opinion you have given Matthew a gift. Siblings to share his life with. It doesn't seem like it now to any of you but it is a gift and one he will have forever. Right now everyone is tantruming out their grief so it is miserable for you. Personally, I would reward whoever isn't trantruming.
    "Oh Seth, sorry you are having a hard time and throwing a fit. Matthew go put a sticker on your calendar" When there are three stickers take Matthew out with your husband for an ice cream cone. Do the same for Seth. It will also get you out! And be strong, be consistent for a week and then try something else if it doesn't work. Having a plan of action always helps.

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  22. My older son suffered from night terrors for months after we brought home our youngest son from Ethiopia. It is a massive transition for the "first" child, one they did not ask for. It took a long time for things to improve. To be honest well over a year. To this day our older boy still sometimes has anxiety issues that I know stem from the time when our other son came home from Ethiopia. I am still surprised at how little people talk about the impact IA has on children already in the home. Hang in there.

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  23. I'm praying for all of you that things will get much better as soon as possible. Hugs my friend!

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  24. Ruth, I don't have anything to offer, other than, I am praying for you and Mathew. I can only imagine, and even that is most likely not even close.

    Flora

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  25. Ruth,a friend of mine (and a cousin as well actually) is a child psycholgist. Amoung other things, she runs a group to help children cope with anxiety. I've been thinking of having my daughter attend, as like you, I am concerned, and worry that what I am doing is not helping her deal with her emotions/lack of control.
    If having a consult with this Dr. in anyway interests you, or if there is anything I can do to help, now, or anytime in the future, do not hesitate to call me.
    I hope that today was a better day for you, and that you were able to get a bit of a break for yourself.

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