I'm amazed by how quickly time passes by. I've hardly blogged in the past week or more and it seems like yesterday that I last posted. I have dozens of posts written in draft, but for whatever reason, I haven't been able to complete them - either they don't express what I intend for them to express, or they just don't come together, or they're so out-of-date by now that I've decide not to publish them...etc etc. It's a little frustrating, especially when there's so much to talk about, so much to discuss.
I've been grouchy. It's mostly better this week, but last week just felt off to me somehow...the whole week. I'm usually a little on the slow side to figure out what's up with me (self analysis not being a strength), but this time has been slower even than usual. I'm not really sure why I've been grouchy...I wasn't sleeping well, had a few little upsets, getting so tired of winter weather, etc etc, but nothing really unusual.
I am sure, however, that I don't like being grouchy, and I don't want to be that way. I've always tended more towards an optimistic perspective on things and last week felt like the antithesis of that...and I'm not yet entirely recovered. It's crappy being grouchy for no obvious reason and I know it leaked out with the kids at times - a little less patience, a little more snappy in tone of voice, that sort of thing. And even if it's nothing dramatic, I so noticed how my tone set the stage for the whole home environment. Just a little testiness manifested on my part had an almost immediate effect on the kids - they were less tolerant of each other, in need of more management (which, in my state of grouchiness, was more challenging for me to provide), and a bit quicker to take matters into their own hands (literally!). It's amazing how quickly things can spiral downwards when the mama of the house is a little off.
The other thing I noticed about last week was that, rather than blogging at night or doing some of the many things around here that need doing, I really just wanted to do nothing productive after the kids were in bed. I watched more netflix than usual, for example, just wanting to empty my mind of whatever was bugging it. In fact, there were a few evenings when I watched netflix until I was on the very edge of sleep, just so that I could fall asleep without having to process whatever it was that I needed to process. That's not the healthiest outlet for a grouchy mind and heart, but everything in me wanted to ignore the stuff swirling around in there and simply escape myself for a while.
I chose this week to shelve whatever's been bugging me, but with a little bookmark attached to it so that I don't forget to come back to it. And I will come back to it because I don't want lingering baggage - been there, done that, and it doesn't work. Maybe I'll try to get an hour or two by myself this weekend to just sit and let things wash over me...that would be a helpful starting point.
And in the meantime, life continues on. Kids still need cultivating, the house still needs management, relationships still need fostering, a blog still needs writing! So here I am...shaking it all off for the moment, and carrying on.
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