Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Elf on the Shelf and a Tirade about Parenting in our Society. Warning: Minor Controversy Ahead

OK, so I know that some of you are going to hate me for this post because you may well be one of the masses of people who have conformed to yet another craze in our society.  If you're a fan of the Elf on the Shelf craze and promote it within your own home, you may not want to read further because I'm likely to offend, and take far too seriously, your sense of fun.

Consider yourselves warned if you proceed.

Because...

...I think the whole Elf on the Shelf craze is, well, crazy.  Damaging and dangerous, even.

Now, if you're amongst the minority of our population and have never heard of this Elf on the Shelf thing, feel free to check out one of these websites for more information.  Note: The first link is to the creators' website; but I find the second link (Wikipedia) more detailed in the explanation about what it's all about.

www.elfontheshelf.com

Elf on the Shelf - Wikipedia

Here are my beefs with this cute little elf who has gotten under the skins of so many otherwise-sane people:

1.  It is such a money grab...Christmas commercialism at its finest.  That little elf has made a few people very wealthy.  Aren't we/I already suckered enough into the commercialization of Christmas?

2.  It is one more (artificial and secular) tradition that quickly becomes a necessity every Christmas season, when there's already so much to do and there are so many better ways to celebrate Christmas.  Aren't we already busy enough at this time of year without adding one more must-do?  And if we're looking for more to do during the month of December, what about celebrating Advent on a daily basis for the weeks leading up to Christmas?  What about reading more books every day during the month(s) of (November and) December: The ones that talk about what Christmas is really about; as well as the ones that have nothing to do with the meaning of Christmas but which are fun nonetheless.

3.  This is the biggie for me, so much so that I'll devote the rest of my post to it.  Here goes:  My biggest problem with Elf on the Shelf.  And I'll capture my concern by starting with a true vignette:

Just this week, on Sunday afternoon, while running a quick errand, I was standing in the aisle of a store when a mom and dad stopped just beside me.  Their daughter, maybe six or seven, right around the age of my Lizzie, was sitting in the cart.  The little girl sounded like she was having a rough time about some thing or another and was a little on the whiny side.

After asking her to stop whining so that they wouldn't have to go home immediately, the Mom suddenly said to her, "Listen, you need to stop that whining, and I do mean right now.  Santa is going to find about this because when we get home I'm going to tell our Elf on the Shelf and you know he's going to tell Santa tonight that you've been a bad girl.  And you know what happens to girls who end up on his naughty list.  Do you want to be on that list?  Do you want no presents this year?"

Just then the mom glanced up and saw me standing there, obviously listening.  She winked at me, as if it was a given that we moms are all part of this conspiracy to alarm our children into compliance.  I did not wink back...I didn't even smile.  In fact, I suspect she innately captured my sense of horror because she looked away again immediately. In the next instant, the little girl started to cry and said to her parents how sorry she was and begged them to please not tell the Elf because she didn't want Santa to find out and she was tired of the Elf watching and she promised she would be good right up until Christmas so could she please still have presents.

My arms twitched from the need to pick that little thing up and give her a hug.

Really?  This is the message we want our kids to receive?  Don't they get (waaay more than) enough of this message already from the whole Santa myth that has most kids believing he is watching them from some far-off place without now also feeling watched every moment of every day by that elf sitting somewhere in their very own home?

I know, I know, you're probably saying here that for you and your family it's just a bunch of fun and kids don't take it so seriously.  Lighten up, Ruth.  Blah blah blah.  The problem is that the little family I encountered on Sunday probably would have said the same kind of thing if I'd probed it further...that wink comes to mind.  It's all just for fun, right??

But clearly to this young girl, it was a deadly serious issue, and whether or not Christmas will be a success completely rests on her narrow shoulders.  Sadly, because she is a child with a child's not-yet-fully-wired brain, she will have no ability whatsoever to keep her promise about being good until the arrival of Christmas...truly, that would be a feat that no adult could accomplish.  So either she learns that her parents were serious and that she will not receive any gifts, in which case the blame falls entirely to her; or, if she gets gifts despite the inevitable poor behaviour, she learns (at least subconsciously) that her parents lied about not intending to give her gifts and she learns not to take them seriously.  Both of these are significant problems for our children.

To me, and here comes the rest of my soapbox rant, the fact that that little girl is being alarmed (for the full month before Christmas!) into trying to maintain good behaviour is reflective, frankly, of our behaviouralistic society.  We (wrongly) assume that children will learn from our issuance of consequences and/or rewards and then, knowing that we're failing even at obtaining the results we want because rewards and consequences don't actually work, we resort to alarming them into compliance in a way that produces shame and guilt on the part of the child who may not be able to obey because their brain simply isn't mature enough yet.

Can you see my point?  That stupid little Elf on the Shelf, which doesn't deserve capitalization but will get it nonetheless because it is a brand name, represents almost everything that I hate about how we as a society parent the next generation of parents.  We sacrifice so much of our children's long term well being by issuing in-the-moment consequences and rewards and, failing even to see the benefit of that, we alarm our children into further (doomed to fail) attempts at obedience.

Now, lest you think I'm being sanctimonious here, let me assure you that, although I (along with Geoff) am striving with everything in me to parent from a developmental viewpoint, I, too, struggle with sliding into this behavioural pit that I grew up in and am surrounded by.  Behavioural parenting, sadly, is the norm, and it has been for decades.  I mess this up regularly, despite my best intentions.  I'm a hypocrite trying really, really hard to fundamentally alter my course because it is in the best interests of my/our children.

It's completely counter culture and counter nurture for me to parent as a developmentalist and I'm a work in progress.  But I can assure you of this...witnessing what I did over that stupid Elf on the Shelf cutesy tradition doubles, even quadruples, my commitment to working against the tide.  That is the epitome of what I consider fatally flawed about parenting in today's society.

So, cute as he might be, as adorable as the thought is of a little elf getting himself into elf-like bits of trouble, the elf on the shelf (ahh, that felt better, to not capitalize) will not be entering this abode.

Ever.

So...I'm braced...let me have it.

21 comments:

  1. You're awesome, Ruth!
    And I'm glad to have some affirmation for the lack of elves (on shelves or otherwise) in our home...
    Sonja

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  2. I didn't know a lot about this elf before today but had heard of it. We visited the school today where our kids will attend and more than one classroom has an elf "watching over the kids". Part of my mind was occupied thinking our kids will have no concept of the commercial idea of Christmas, Santa, elves etc and it will likely seem quite odd to them. Then I was thinking of your words today on the elf spy. Hmmm not my thing and I agree with the difficulties and potential for harm. Quite fitting to see it today after reading your blog! Not sure what hubby thought, I'll have to ask him later.

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  3. I'm with ya. (Working hard over here to cut back on "separation-based" and "shame-based" discipline and parenting strategies..but yeah, in the heat of the moment when there's a point one feels has to be "proved" somehow...wow, it's tough).

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  4. Thanks for the comment, folks, here and on f/book...and thanks for the compliment, Sonja...made me blush!

    Allison, I'm curious about what your hubby thought, too!

    And Joy, yes, it's a hard road trying to move towards a more developmental style of parenting - one of the harder things I've done as a parent without a doubt...thanks for sharing that.

    Hugs,

    Ruth

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  5. I never did Elf on the Shelf. However, this year I ran into this post http://www.childmode.com/2013/11/27/celebrating-imagination-with-dinovember/ and thought it was hillarious. I'm all over these fun little activities and traditions. So this year, I did buy an elf on the shelf ( Had to special order the dark skinned one! ugh.) to do a similar type of thing as they did with the dinosaurs. I know all my kids (the believers and non) will get a kick out of it. I agree with the whole consumerism aspect, but I do know many who have knitted or hand made their little elves as well. ;)

    As for the parenting part. I expect good behaviour out of my children year round. They misbehave, and they are met with an instant consequence.... not a 'wait til your Father comes home', or 'wait till Elf tells Santa'. This parent is using this as a parenting tool, and I agree, it stinks.

    Our little elf will be 'watching' as the story indicates, but it certainly won't be the emphasis. He will be mischevious and getting into funny situations. I know the kids will be anticipating every morning in December, wondering what situation the Elf has gotten into now. I think Dan and I will have just as much fun designing the fun!

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  6. Thanks Jolene (and too bad about having to special order)!!

    Hugs,

    Ruth

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    1. Read this and thought of you. :) http://asmallsnippet.com/2011/12/its-beginning-to-look-alot.html

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    2. Thanks JOlene...heading to that site now to take a peek!

      Ruth

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    3. Jolene, I just read the article you linked to and thought it was terrific...if we were to do the Santa/elf thing, this is the way I'd want to do it, too...full of connections to the real reason behind our desire to celebrate Christmas, and full of grace rather than condemnation. Several times I thought, while reading the article, that this is a faaar gentler and kinder and more child-centric way of incorporating these kinds of traditions.

      Thanks very much for thinking of me and sending the link, Jolene - it was well worth the read!

      Blessings,

      Ruth

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    4. P.S. THe author of the post you linked me to referred to a book she was reading: Give them Grace. I recently bought that book, too, and from what I've read so far, it's a really good read...in case that interests you.

      Ruth

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  7. Hi Ruth, I didn't know anything about Elf on the Shelf but I do now from your blog entry. As a new mom of a first Christmas baby it is good to know about. I remember my nephew once saying that "Santa seems like a wierd kind of stalker, 'he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're'! A good observation indeed. I do like the quote however that one should live their lives as though one day everything you have done will be known. It is about consulting your conscience, as an adult. I am reading a book right now that I think might interest you. It is called "It's OK Not to Share" by Heather Shumaker. It is published in 2012. Perhaps I will write a review of it on my occasional blog once I have finished it. I still love reading your blog. Hugs and love, Katie

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    1. Hey New Mom! How lovely to hear from you. I so hope things are going well for you...I think of you so often Katie!

      Thanks for the thoughts about Santa and about living life deliberately...it's an awesome connection, IMHO.

      Let me know what you think of the book when you've had a chance to read it...I'm intrigued by the title.

      Hugs coming back your way, Katie...and a whole bucketful of blessings.

      Ruth

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  8. I'm so glad you wrote this. We do the elf on the shelf with out the book and story. There's no "watching" in our home. And we never talk about "being good" and getting presents from Santa because of it. Strangely though, my oldest daughter has been talking about things like being a good girl, being good, being bad and not getting presents etc. I asked her about it because this is not coming from me and she says she learned it from school. (Sigh). I detest the things they learn at school. There's so much "unschooling" to do. I really wish schools would mind the standard academic curriculum and stay out of this kind of stuff as much as possible. I don't think the classroom is the place for an elf or any other traditions associated with religious holidays. I'm almost to the point where I think they should not celebrate holidays unless they are going to give equal treatment to all the different holidays and that ain't gonna happen in the community in which I reside. :(

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  10. Hey Bridget -
    your comment appeared twice so I deleted one...I thought I'd mention that so you didn't think I was trying to censor your comment!

    Yeah that whole 'watching' thing is the nub of what really bothers me about some of the Christmas traditions. I'm really surprised that this kind of thinking would actually be encouraged within the school...though I had to laugh at your comment about needing to 'unschool'...rather a perfect use of the word, IMHO!

    Thanks Bridget, for weighing in on the discussion! Blessings,

    Ruth

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  11. I see your point, which is a good one. I am not offended by the fact that you don't like Elf on a Shelf and I am glad that you caused me to think about "behaviorist parenting" differently. I have indeed muttered the words that Santa is watching to my children in order to encourage good behavior and I will think twice next time. However, I do feel offense and discomfort with the acute judgment and angry criticism of another parent. Parenting is such a difficult job, and I think it really needs to be tailored to fit each child and each family differently. What works for one family may not work for another. I would hate to be judged by another parent and called out in a public forum for the way I spoke to my children at a store, which is a sensory overload for children and can cause children to act out when parents are on their last nerve. I'm in the camp of giving parents the benefit of the doubt and I think we should be supporting one another and a little more understanding of a different perspective or approach to parenting. #2cents

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  12. Hey #2cents -
    thx for weighing in on the discussion!

    Just to be clear, I didn't call anyone out at the store. I said nothing at all...just didn't respond to the conspiratorial wink. I, too, would hate to be called out in public and am not suggesting that (if I were, I'm sure other strangers might have had reason to judge my rather strident tone with my kids on a couple of occasions just this morning when we were running an errand and my boys were, well, rather animalistic in behaviour). I did, however, use my observations of this family unit as an example of the behavioural parenting that I see all around me.

    I also think that we could afford to be more helpful with strangers and, to that end, I have often offered help where I've seen a parent struggling in a store - even as recently as this morning. Last year, for example, one particular situation stood out to me - I offered to help a woman who was clearly struggling with her two kids and at her wits' end. I apologized for intruding and then offered to help, and she broke down in tears and immediately accepted my help even while feeling badly that she had to rely on a stranger for help. As I helped her gather her kids and get them all, with their full cart, through the checkout, she and I had a great little chat and I think/hope she left feeling supported and not judged. Parenting is tough.

    When it comes to the situation I wrote about here (re: the elf on the shelf), I absolutely acknowledge my inner horror about the situation I observed. Did I judge that couple? Yes, though I also understand the desire to parent from a behavioural perspective because that was (and sometimes still is) my own natural inclination. Do I wish that those parents and every other parent (including myself) would choose developmental vs behavioural parenting?? Yes, yes, and yes. Is that judgment? Yes, because I don't believe behavioural parenting works. Am I imposing it on anyone else? Of course not.

    I'm so glad that my post provided food for thought and I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I think my purpose has been accomplished...hopefully, as evidenced by the huge number of people who have read this post, others have also been afforded opportunity to think about these things, regardless of where they land when it comes to the elf on the shelf.

    Again, thanks!

    Ruth

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  13. I am loving the link Jolene added here. I am a Santa lover as well as a Jesus Lover... I would have done elf on the shelf if my kids were still young enough but I think it might be more fun to add it to our family just for christmas mischief when they are past Believing in it all.
    Thanks for this post... love your point of view... and really who needs extra work each night to do more elf things! Haha I would probably remember at 2am and then have to get up and do something! haha thanks for your review it is great.

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    1. Agreed...great article!

      And yeah, that would be me, too, remembering at 2am!!

      Thanks, Karen. Blessings,

      Ruth

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    1. Thanks...I'll stick with the one I've got already...it's a good one.

      I'll testify to that with my name:

      Ruth.

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