Thursday, March 22, 2012

21 Things I Never Thought I'd Say or Do

(All said in the past six months...most quite recently)

1.  Tell my youngest child repeatedly to stop eating the dirty ice and snow that she has scraped with her fingernails from the bottom of her boot or from the tire treads on the driveway.

2.  Open a box of Kraft Dinner and call it lunch/dinner.  I now make it once/month and, to support that event at the lowest possible cost, bought a case of 12 from Costco a few months back.

3.  Tell my younger children to stop staring and stop talking when they pointed to a woman directly behind us in line.  She was covered head-to-toe in a burqa (?), with only her eyes showing.  Before the kids stopped talking entirely, my middle (male, of course) child said "why her not cover her eyes, too?"  He then kindly demonstrated for her what he meant.  I put my hand over his mouth, turned him around to face the front of the line, and gripped him to my side.  I then turned my own head and apologized to the woman...I suggested that I could blindfold him for the time being.  Thankfully she was gracious.

4.  Say placidly to my horrified mother, as we watched one of my boys throw himself onto the floor from a high surface, "what's the worst that can happen?  So he might break a leg."  I shrugged.  And I knew in that moment that either I needed more sleep, or I needed to see my therapist more frequently.

5.  Require my oldest, as we waited for a parking spot at gym class a few months ago (in winter) to "go stand in those bushes and pee...just make sure no one sees you."  He tried, but had performance anxiety while he was watching out for onlookers!  I have no idea why I didn't just tell him to wait because we'd be inside and near a bathroom within five minutes!

6.  Say to my youngest, as she reached for a carrot, "No Lizzie, first finish what's on your plate before eating more carrots."  Of course, when I realized I'd just told my daughter to first finish her hamburger and french fries, I gave my head a shake and reversed my proclamation.  But still, really, you'd think that would have been a no brainer.  I think the issue is that my brain occasionally goes on vacation.

7. Cut my husband's food into bite-sized pieces because his plate was just the last in a row of other meals that needed cutting up.  I didn't realize I'd done it until he thanked me.

8.  Say to my boys:  "Take your hands out of your pants and put 'em where I can see 'em."

9.  In a moment of desperation, say:  "No you may not do that, but I need a few minutes to think about why."

10.  In a real winner moment harkening back to my own childhood, tell the kids over dinner "What am I supposed to do with that wasted food?  There are children in Africa who would love that food."  I actually felt quite badly about this comment for a few days given what my kids went through.

11.  Beg the kids to "please, please watch tv for a few minutes while I start dinner."  What??

12.  Make a rule of the household "no head-butting unless you ask first."  Huh?

13.  Last week, watch one boy sit on the other boy and then yell at him to "Wait - sit more on his bum and not so much on his head...we still need the brain."

14.  Tell my middle child to "just stop trying to pull the hair out of my legs.  I don't care if it's prickly."

15.  In a state of confusion, ask my younger children:  "You want cucumbers instead of apple fritters?  Who are you?"

16.  After taking a good whiff, tell my daughter "you have worn those panties for three days now and they're kinda ripe.  The rule is you change them every day."

17.  Watch Seth obsess about various kinds of weapons, and then tell him "I'm sorry but there are to be no guns in this house...even ones that you've chewed out of toast."

18.  Tell the kids at dinner time:  "I am going to teach you manners if it kills me."  At which point the younger two started to cry because they don't understand a lot of expressions yet.

19.  Again, on the manners thing, tell the kids to "please, please chew with your mouth closed.  You were not born in a cave."  Again, felt a little badly about this one.

20.  A few hours ago, not having heard the water run after the toilet flushed, "Are you sure you washed your hands?  Let me smell them."

21.  And just last week, yell loudly enough at the boys for the neighbours to hear:  "Hold on to your balls!" (Meaning that they should not throw the tennis balls into the street because there were cars coming.)  I doubled over laughing after that one came did the neighbour!

What about you??  Any winners come out of your mouth recently?


  1. Bahahaha! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who's said some things I never thought I'd ever say. I think the one that takes the cake in our house is "Don't hump the baby". Context - the dog trying to hump our son's leg.

  2. Best. Post. Ever. I literally laughed out loud at my bus stop... The others thought I was probably having a breakdown or something. See, even you can provide us all with entertainment, doesn't have to be the kids only!

  3. Thanks guys. Sheldon, which one made you laugh at the bus stop?

    Glad to be a source of amusement!!


  4. Arrrgh- I keep losing my comment post for some reason when I preview it. Maybe third try will be lucky....
    I loved your post, and roared with laughter at your burka story and image of you cutting up Geoff's food. On a similar vein, I was in a shoe store with my youngest the other day when a man in makeup and red stilettos came in. Kaitlyn stared at him in fascination for awhile before informing him VERY loudly,"Mister, you're a BOY, boys can't wear girl shoes." I was mortified! She also asked a teenager in the grocery store, "lady, why are you wearing your pajamas?" That at least was funny!
    Something I never thought I would actually have to explain to my kids was, "Kaitlyn, you are not a cat, you are a little girl. DO NOT poo in the sandbox ever again", or this morning, "Sarah, that's not a Brazil you are wearing,it is mommy's bra, and could you take it off please?" Sigh.
    I've caught myself forbidding my kids from eating more vegetables as well!!
    Thanks for the hearty laugh today :)

  5. #8 and 21 cracked me up the most - too funny!! I have to say that I'm certain with your three treasures, your life will never be boring :-) Thanks for the giggles today.Allison

  6. Great post! Reminds me of the book "No Biking In The House Without A Helmet" by Melissa Greene, who is a mother by 9 children by both birth and adoption.


  7. #13 is my favourite. Very practical!!

  8. Love this post! I laughed out loud too. It is an indication of what I have to come.

  9. Puke more to the left!
    No more cartwheels in the mall.
    You can play with your knife when you stop bleeding.
    Don't stick any thing into any hole.

  10. Thanks!!

    Jen, for some reason the thing about puking to the left just created the giggles in me - thanks for the laugh!!