Sunday, June 20, 2010

Out of the Shadows and Into the Light.

Day Two at Camp Cedarwood began before my eyes opened this morning.  In that split second between sleep and wakefulness, I had a flash of insight that I'd been dreaming about Nadia Suleman.  You know, the woman who had octuplets a couple of years ago?  (Was it really that long ago already, or is this my imagination - if it really is true, can you imagine what it must be like to have eight two-year-olds??  wow.)  I haven't thought or heard about her for a very long time, so I was more than a little surprised to wake up thinking about her.  I'm guessing it has little to do with her, and more to do with having multiple children.

Having spent the last couple of days with (delightful and engaging) families who mostly have multiple children, and having shared bits of our story with a few of them, I think my subconscious brain has been working overtime, thinking about our ongoing status as a one-child family.  Put simply, I think my inner life is experiencing a touch of envy.  I know in my conscious mind that things are not always what they seem and that no family's road is as smooth as they'd like it to be; but with my unconscious mind going into these darker places where jealousy and malcontent thrive, I wonder why it seems so easy for some people to have children, and why it's been so hard for us.  The hardest part of this question is, of course, the answer:  I don't know!  I may never know.  It's likely going to be on my top three list of things to ask God when the day finally comes for me to meet my maker.  As much as I've worked through so much already when it comes to the pain involved with these issues in my life, I guess there are simply going to be times when my unconscious catches me up short and expresses some of those mostly-buried, largely-settled feelings.

What is perhaps different, and encouraging, to me is that, in comparison with even six months ago, I'm better now at recognizing these difficult moments without (at least today) being overwhelmed by them emotionally.  I surprised myself a little this morning, after recognizing where my mind had gone during the night's being ok.   Maybe it's a simple matter of believing that a referral is going to come our way soon, a referral that will ease the one-child part of my discontent.  I don't know.  But for today, anyway, I'm thinking that a little peace, that little feeling of things being somehow resolved, feels pretty darn good.

This morning I watched the sun move higher and higher over the lake and into the sky, and couldn't help but notice that as it rose, the shadows left from its setting last night gradually receded until they were gone. Absolutely gone.  Only the light remained.

* Thank you, Sharla, for the ever-encouraging comment about my writing!!  Right back at ya!!

1 comment:

  1. glad that you are able to pull out of those dark places more quickly lately and that you have hope on the horizon but mostly I just had to pop in and say YOU ARE A VERY TALENTED WRITER!!! this was so well- written.