Not such a great mother this hour.
I'm totally up to my eyeballs in frustration with my youngest. She's been a real handful lately, a giant pill (at home...not at all when we're out), and I've handled it all with patience and, if I do say so myself, quite a lot of grace and compassion. It's not always easy to embrace and work on attachment issues with a child who challenges every good intention I possess, but I've been working at it pretty faithfully.
But it's been going on for months already and her antics of this morning have finally done me in.
My grace evaporated.
I tossed the incomplete valentine's day card that she was writing for a friend into the recycle bin (nice of me wasn't it?) and told the kids that I was going up to my bedroom for a while and the only circumstances under which they were allowed to come upstairs was if someone was bleeding or the house was on fire. Then I had to correct that by saying that if the house was on fire they should yell up the stairs and head out the door and wait for me outside.
Then Lizzie asked about how much blood there had to be before coming up to get me and her tone of voice told me that the moment I went upstairs she was going to pick at one of her scabs in order to make it bleed. Matthew asked about what if someone fell down the stairs. And Seth said what if someone spilled their tea...could he come and get me then.
I was so done that I snorted (yes, snorted) and threw up my hands and stalked off to the stairs. I may have stomped.
You know, I've felt over the past few months that I've been managing pretty well over all. And I have been. I've been Neufeld parenting decently well, despite some obvious gaffs strewn here and there. And it's been working for all of us and the kids are doing mostly great.
But some days...well, actually just today, I would like for just a while to throw a certain child out the window and sit on the floor by myself and rock back and forth for a bit in an attempt to self soothe and regain my equilibrium.
It's been seven minutes, no, eight, since I left them downstairs and I'm beginning to feel sanity and my better self returning. I can hear them laughing so I know they're ok. Maybe I'll spend another five up here and think about how to do my repair work when I head back down.