I have fifty-five unpublished posts that are sitting at various stages of completion on my blog's back pages. I wrote three more last night, and I can't bring myself to publish any of them. They're either too heavy, too depressing, too irrelevant, too whiny, or too private...or all of the above.
At least a couple dozen of these posts are pretty close to being finished, but I just can't pull them together in the end. There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head these days that, for the first time in a long time, I just can't seem to straighten them out to the point where I reach an end-point or conclusion. Writing (whether for my blog or for journaling purposes) is usually a source of solace and/or inspiration for me, and/or a way of working something out in my head. I like to go back and fiddle with the words after I write a post, in an effort to clearly make the point I want to make - such as in my last (silly-ish) post on vengeance. I'm sure I don't always succeed in accomplishing my goal, but these days I can't even get some of these posts finished in draft form because there's just too much in there for me to be able to pull them together.
I can't even always remember these days what I've published and what I haven't - so I worry about repeating myself, or about saying something that comes completely from left field because I haven't provided a context for it through an earlier post. It's a conundrum.
In addition to various day-to-day anecdotes about the kids, I've got other things going on in my head that I hope to put out here in the coming weeks:
* how to raise kids in community in an age of 'silo-ism' - does it really take a village to raise a child and, if so, how do you get a village together?
* what the heck is up with my depression? Life seems to have stabilized after how many years of roller coasterism and now I struggle with being low?? What's up with that?
* what is church? By this I don't mean the building - heaven knows I've been attending church for all but a couple of years of my life. But really, what is church? What does it mean? You'd not think that I'd be asking this question after being a Christian most of my life, but I'm contemplating this question more and more these days.
* our younger children's birth family.
* how do childhood expectations of life shape what happens?