I'm spending a lot of time these days gazing out the window of whatever room I'm in, dreaming about the possibility of a family of five. I'm also talking a lot; rambling on and on about every nuance of every aspect of this adoption and our life's plan. I'm making myself a little ill...I'm scared to ask what those around me are thinking!
Despite my terror of court, I'm so excited these days. I've tried reserving my feelings a little, knowing that this is not a done deal yet. But I can't help myself. If we fail at court, we fail; and somehow I will survive. But, despite the risk to my heart and emotional well-being, I have to live in the moment in order to appreciate where things are at. And in this moment, I'm so very excited by the possibility of bringing our two children home. I love them. I really do. I look at their pictures and see the faces of my children. It feels like when I was pregnant with Matthew, loving him before I met him, wanting so badly to be his mom, waiting with a sense of desperation for the day we would meet. Those feelings are even somewhat magnified this time round, because I've been waiting for these children for even longer than we waited for Matthew. We've been in the adoption life cycle for almost nine years - that's a very, very long pregnancy, let me tell you, and a lot longer even than the twenty-two month gestational period of an elephant.
We're doing lots of planning these days. No purchasing yet (well, except for the very first little girl outfit I've ever purchased, which I simply could not resist because I could picture our daughter coming home in that outfit), but lots of plans. We have decided that, for the most part, we will purchase nothing before court, but we hope to know before we leave for Ethiopia what's on our list...so that if, on that looming day, we actually pass at court, we can immediately order what we need to order to be prepared for the children's homecoming.
Matthew and his brother will be sharing a room, so we're looking at bunk beds for the boys. We'll either buy twin over double bunks, or double over double. Matthew currently sleeps in a double bed and it is very handy for parental cuddles at night, and so we're thinking that we need to have a double bed in both bedrooms. Matthew's new sister will have her own room (when she wants it); she will take over the guest room, which is already furnished in white furniture, including a double bed.
Now we just have to wait and be patient for a court date. One thing that surprised me a little was that a family who received their referral a couple of weeks before us just got their court date and it is February 03. That's almost three months from the date of their referral, which seems long (until recently, court dates were being booked 5-7 weeks from referral). The good news, though, is that the immigration process (which starts after passing court) seems to be speeding up lately; it's too soon to tell if this is a trend, or just an anomaly or two, but there are definitely signs of improvements from Canada Immigration in Nairobi.
I'm really hoping for a spring homecoming. Truthfully, I'm hoping (maybe 'wishing' is a better word, or 'pipe dreaming') for an Easter homecoming, but it would take a lot of good fortune for that to happen. Easter 2010 was a very hard one for me. When I unpacked Easter decorations to put out this spring, I came across three beautiful little easter baskets that I'd purchased the previous spring, anticipating that by Easter 2010 we'd have our children home and that all three kids would be hunting for chocolate with those pretty little concoctions. When I found the baskets, I was very sad, inconsolable. I know it's a silly thing to be upset about, and an even sillier reason for wanting our kids home by Easter 2011, but it's a wish nonetheless. I love Easter: the family traditions around it (even the meaningless ones like easter egg hunts); the meaning of it; the somber remembrance espoused by Good Friday in contrast to the glorious celebration of Easter Sunday; it's one of my favourite times of year. To be honest, though, if we pass court, even if the kids aren't home by Easter, I'll just be so grateful that we're moving in that direction; and the baskets can wait for another year.
BTW, do you see what I'm doing? Rambling. On and on. I've been doing this for almost two weeks. Just rambling. Talking my thoughts out loud, as if anyone cares about these nuanced details of my life! I feel like I'm back in my childhood, when I was a bit clued out relative to other kids, my head in the clouds (or a good book). Only this time it's worse because I'm verbalizing everything. I can't seem to stop talking, planning, thinking out loud. Someone throw something at me. Make me stop this verbal diarrhea.