Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Looking Forward

It's been over five weeks since we received our (first) referral, and I am so thankful to be on this end of things.  I'm doing so much better now.  I still think about the children a lot, and am still catching up on all of the sleep I lost, but there's less grief now, and a bit more emotional distance.  I pray for them now when I think of them, and hope that they are already on the journey towards a new life.

It's hard being back on the wait list, though.  We passed the twenty-nine month mark last week and are fast on route to the thirty-month point.  I'm finding the wait harder now than before...a lot harder.  The immensity of the relief, when we received our referral, was so significant, that being back in the wait now feels somewhat unbearable.  I don't know how long we'll be waiting for another referral but I did notice this past weekend that I was looking forward again...anticipating.

When I think about the next referral, I wonder how it'll feel when we receive 'the call.'  Will it be as momentous as the first time?  Will the excitement, the joy, feel the same?  Will the relief be as pronounced?  Or will the experience be somewhat lesser, more cautious, a bit more gun-shy?  I really don't know what to expect, but I'm sure hoping that we'll feel the same way the second time round...or at least similar.  I want to be able to tell our children someday about how excited we were when we got 'the call.'

Whatever we end up feeling when we get our next 'call,' I sure am looking forward to that day!


  1. Ruth, I can not begin to imagine how you must be feeling. My heart goes out to all of you and I can only imagine how heart wrenching this has been... Jxx

  2. Ruth I cannot wait 'til your phone rings, you've had a long hard journey and I hope you feel joyful! You have been in my thoughts, I am glad to hear some of the grief has lessened. I await your joyful day :)


  3. I'm glad to hear that the days are getting easier. I don't know how you will feel when you get "the call" this next time. I know that I will feel so excited when you call me about your call (please call me!). But I do know that your next children deserve to someday read about the day that you got "the call" about them, where you were, what you felt (even if it was mixed feelings), who you told. I know another adoptive family that lost their first two referrals and even when the third call came, they videotaped their reaction, knowing that someday their daughter would want to see the looks on their faces the first time they saw hers.

    I can only imagine how hard the wait must feel now that you have experienced the relief of a referral. I hope that knowing that feeling will come again helps to dull the ache you must feel.

  4. I've read the comments of your other readers and they say a lot of the things I would want to say. At different times in my life I've had to wait for really important things, sometimes longer than I thought I had the emotional capacity to endure. Looking back, I end up feeling gratitude, not for the wait, but for the eventual result. My great hope and desire is that one day you will be able to do the same (preferably while watching all your children breathing calmly in secure sleep).

  5. I think you may feel guarded when you receive "the call" but the minute you open your e-mail and see their beautiful faces your walls will come tumbling down and you will be in love all over again.

    Waiting anxiously with you!

  6. I am doing research for my college paper, thanks for your great points, now I am acting on a sudden impulse.

    - Laura