After eight years of trying to adopt, I'm running out of ability to do this for much longer. Same goes for Geoff. After years of waiting, heartache, feeling powerless and desperate, these days feel strikingly similar to that day in late fall, 2005, when we had to make a decision to discontinue fertility treatments. At some point, the time comes when decisions have to be made.
The end result is this. We have just initiated with our local adoption agency a change to our request. Our request will now be for "siblings (0-63 months of age) or for a single child (42-63 months of age)." Our hope, of course, is that we won't have to wait very long for a referral. Based on our conversations with Imagine, we have every reason to think that we will be matched with a child quite quickly, though given the delays caused by the need to collect the child(ren)'s documentation, it may easily take another few months for us to actually receive a referral.
We are aware that statistically we will likely receive a referral of a single child. However, by leaving the option open to either one or two children, we feel that we are giving God a chance to orchestrate exactly the situation has in mind for us - whether that be a single child or siblings. Knowing, believing, that God has a plan for us and has already chosen the child(ren) for us, will help me through the rough moments ahead, when we wonder whether we made the right decision. I know myself well enough to know that there will be some tough moments ahead for me, particularly when I hear about other families receiving sibling referrals - I will absolutely be happy for them with all of my heart, but there will be times of wondering about our own wisdom. When I'm in these moments, I'm hoping that those who know and love me will put their arms around me and tell me that we did the best we could with what we had left at the time. I think we've given this process our best possible effort; and I think that the ongoing hope we've had for over two years that we will receive a sibling referral soon, has been dwarfed for me by the need to bring a sense of closure to this process and to our family. I feel an increasing measure of inner peace about our decision and I am so excited to someday, maybe soon, see the face of our child(ren).
* Just wanted to say thank you so much for the encouraging and supportive comments here and for the emails. A day later, Geoff and I are both feeling increasingly good about our decision...I feel genuinely ok about it today...who knows about tomorrow, or even later today, but this hour feels good. Thanks again.