Twenty-One Months

So, I don't often post on the weekends (I mean, really, who reads blogs on the weekend anway...except for me), but today seemed like a good day to post, so here goes..

I am sober of mood today.  This day marks twenty-one months since our adoption file arrived on Ethiopian soil, on April 23, 2008.  Who ever would have thought that the wait of 5-7 months that we were initially expecting would extend into this marathon that has exhausted us and challenged our belief that we would ever cross the finish line?

Last Easter, 2009, I took out my storage tub of spring-related home decorations and, amongst them, discovered three beautiful little baskets that I'd bought in the spring of 2008, thinking that by the time Easter rolled around in '09, Matthew and his two new siblings would be collecting their chocolate treasures in these woven and yellow-feathered vessels.  It was a sad moment, and I cried a good many tears over those feathery concoctions, knowing that this dream wasn't yet to be realized.  Of course, I had no way of knowing, as I bent over those baskets, what further pain would lie in store for us just a few months later when our agency declared bankruptcy and threatened to destroy our dreams altogether.  The tears that so many families shed in response to Imagine's bankruptcy could doubtless have overfilled many of those baskets.

Now here we are, almost ten months closer to another Easter and, though there is again hope to be found in the restructured agency, we are as unclear as to when to expect a referral as we were last year.  When will it happen?  How many months will yet accumulate before this ends?  My heart needs to know already...it's getting a bit faint from the exertion, and my resolve is weary of having to be braced up.  Despite all of my intentions to simply carry on with life, it still feels deep down somewhere as if everything is on hold...just waiting for some kind of resolution...waiting for the children of my heart to come home and complete our family.

My usually optimistic attitude towards life is challenged at the moment.  I feel whiny and complainy and a bit bitter.  Hang in there with me while I indulge in a bit of self pity.  I'll be fortified again soon enough.