Friday, September 11, 2009

The Anxiety of Being Out of Control

Tonight marks one week since we received the restructuring proposal for Imagine.  And it's been a difficult my surprise.  I had truly anticipated that receipt of the proposal would make for a very happy and optimistic week this week.  And yet day after day passed with me feeling grouchy, irritable and impatient.  Night after night saw me having trouble sleeping, waking often during the night, getting up tired in the morning.  Yesterday, I started hearing about other families who were experiencing similar kinds of weeks.

I've been trying to figure out what's been going on, and have concluded two things:

1.  The adrenaline bubble that I've been living in since the bankruptcy news hit on July 13th has burst.  The whole goal since mid July has been the presentation of a restructuring plan to the families.  Well, that has happened and the meeting of that goal and subsequent explosion of the bubble has left me utterly exhausted - physically and emotionally.  At any given moment of the day I could either put my head down on whatever table is nearest to me and fall asleep or, with little or no provocation, sit and cry and feel utterly overwhelmed.  Everything's catching up with me.  For the first two days after the bankruptcy I cried and cried; but after that third day when we galvanized to save the agency (and our families) I almost stopped crying and, instead, became determined.  Resolute. Focused.  I focused on major letter writing campaigns, steering comittee conference calls, talking with Manitoba families and our local adoption agency, talking with politicians, and on and on.

Which leads me to my next point.

2.  Now that the restructuring proposal has been presented and our 'yes' vote sent in, there's not much for me to do. I am at loose ends, obsessed with keeping up to date on the yahoo forum and adoption-related news, but otherwise not doing a lot.  When there's no news to read or report on, I stare at the computer and check it more than occasionally.  Here's the clincher:  I am utterly out of control over what happens next.  Regardless of what I do, I cannot vote for another family, I cannot decide what's in their best interest, I cannot manage their finances in such a way as to be able to afford the additional money we will need to pay in...I cannot make this restructuring plan work without the support and agreement and commitment of a whole lot of other people.  For something of this import and depth to be in the hands of sometimes-nameless others, I become anxious.

To make matters worse, there are a lot of criticisms of and questions about the restructuring plan that make me nervous - every time I see a question or comment posed about the plan, my heart sinks and anxiety takes over.  I paced my main floor for a long, long time today - worried, crying, and trying to pull myself together.

Here's the bottom line, I think.  I believe that the vote will be "yes" to the restructuring plan (even have some inkling that the yes vote has already carried the day).  Then will come the real critical piece of the puzzle, in October or November - it'll be time for families to fork over to Imagine the first $2,000 installment.  That will be where rubber hits the road.  Will people's 'yes' votes translate into a willingness to pull out their pocket books.  Oh I hope so.  I can't bear the alternative.

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