Friday, October 29, 2010

A Momentum Shift

Early last week, Imagine's Board of Directors sent out a communication to all families waiting for a referral.  In it, the Board expressed empathy for the waiting families, knowing how hard the recent lack of referrals must be for all of us.  The communication also said that "many" child proposals are being worked on and that referrals will happen; which is obviously music to me ears and to the ears of every waiting family.  Today, two families that I know of received their long-awaited referral calls - my hope is that this is just the beginning!

These last months since we lost our first referral have been very hard.  Though we waited exactly twenty-eight months for our August 23 referral, the two and a half months since that referral have been  harder than any single of the pre-referral months.  The joy and relief of that referral phonecall was like the day I learned that I was pregnant with Matthew after such a long time waiting:  unmatchable; euphoric; we were full of awe and thanksgiving.  Our referral phonecall brought me to my knees, the same as it did the moment I learned I was carrying a child.  It seemed to be perfect:  a child of each gender, and a little on the older side, and the boy being closest in age to Matthew.  It has been hard to contemplate why would receive such a great referral, only to lose it just over two weeks later.  It felt like a joke, a cruel one.

But time has helped, as has the hope that we will receive another referral sooner rather than later.  Although I think about Mathewos and Elfnesh many times throughout every day, the thoughts aren't painful any more, and not usually sad.  Though I may never understand why their lives meshed with ours for so short a time, or why the loss of them had to factor into our journey, I have moved on.  When I think of them now, it is with a sense of love and longing for their future, and with a desire to pray for them.  I feel an assurance that they are all right...maybe because I need to feel this way, but maybe because God has provided that assurance.

One of the things I have worried about more recently is whether I will feel the same kind of excitement about our next referral as I did about our first.  I jealously want to experience that again, to be as excited about the children of our future as I was about the children of our first referral.  Hence the importance to me of the Board communication last week.  When I read their words about referrals coming, what I noticed in myself was excitement.  A huge, rolling wave of anticipation that overcame me:  referrals will come, and I will be amongst the recipients, whether in this batch or another that comes soon.  It's coming...and I am ready to see my children's faces with all of the excitement, wonder, awe and thanksgiving with which I greeted the news of my first-born.  The day is coming.


  1. Hi Ruth,
    Strangely enough, I just sat down at the computer to write you an email and see how you're doing! Good thing I thought to check your blog first. :)

    Anyway, my thoughts have been with you over the last two months. I'm also looking forward, with you, to the news of your referral. I'm glad you're feeling the excitement again! :)

  2. Oh yes ! I believe a wonderful referral will come very soon for you and your family. The excitement will probably not be the same of the first time but excitement feeling will still be there in a different way. These children will also be the perfect match for your family. It's coming soon my

  3. yipppeeee! finally, something is happening..these months have just dragged on and on, and as sweet as it is that people ask "so anything new?" it gets so depressing to say "no" over and over. oh Ruth, that excitement and joy will be there for you! I am so excited to hear of your news...and mine. :) The day is coming!

  4. we lost a referral too... nearly 10 yrs ago. and the faces come to mind occasionally, but they are not "our" kids- you will find one day, that you have the kids that are just right for your family!!!pls keep us posted, sk