I decided to try it with my kids, and asked them each the following list of questions (in private, when the other kids weren't around). I've also included their verbatim answers (and a bit of my commentary in brackets). I must say that a few of Seth's answers were like a knife in the heart...I don't know if he answered the way he did because I asked him when he was hungry and a bit grouchy, or if he'd give these same answers if he had a full tummy and was a little more cheerful...but anyway...sigh...it is what it is!
Matthew - age 11
1. What is something Mom always says to you?
I love you.
2. What makes mom happy?
When I listen.
3. What makes mom sad?
When I don’t listen. (true)
4. What does your mom do to make you laugh?
I don’t know. Lots of things. Lots and lots of things. You’re funny and say funny things and you can be weird sometimes and that makes me laugh.
5. How old is your mom?
49. (correct)
6. How tall is your mom?
Maybe about…how am I supposed to know this…5’6” (close - I'm 5'7")
7. What is her favourite thing to do?
Spend time with the people in her family.
8. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
Read, relax, organize stuff for us kids. (pretty accurate)
9. If your mom became famous, what would she be famous for?
Her cooking. (huh)
10. What is your mom really good at?
Being great with people and being a great mom.
11. What is your mom not good at?
When Charlie (the dog) is begging for food, you always give in to her. (note: I do sometimes feed her from the table, but she doesn't ever beg for food...not sure where this comes from)
12. What does your mom do for a job?
Be a mom.
13. What is your mom's favourite food?
Oohhhhh…I don’t know…elephant meat! Maybe a breakfast thing with eggs and bacon or waffles. Oh, chocolate. (wrong on all counts - my favourite food is a really good pepperoni pizza or Thai yellow curry...but I do love chocolate and I do love homemade waffles)
14. What makes you proud of your mom?
That you stand up for me and that you think I’m a great son no matter what I do and you’ll always always love me. (wow!)
15. What do you and your mom do together?
Sometimes watch movies on netflix. And sometimes read a book and cuddle…that’s what we usually do. (yup)
16. How are you and your mom the same?
When we play ping pong for too long we both start freaking out that we do so well; we both love food; we both love to spend time together. (It's true about ping pong - we both get so excited if we hit a few good shots in a row that we start flapping our arms and missing the next shot!)
17. How are you and your mom different?
You're weird, but I’m way more weird than you are; I’m a kid and you’re a grown up; we’re not actually all that different in many ways.
18. How do you know your mom loves you?
'Cause she still has me! Seriously, she feeds me, nurtures me, and does everything that a loving mom would do for her son.
19. Where is your mom's favourite place?
At home with her family (on her favourite chair in the library), or at church with her family, or with our whole extended family when my cousins and uncles and aunts are all there too.
1. What is something Mom always says to you?
Stop, please. Clean up this, please. (wow - that makes me sad)
2. What makes mom happy?
When we clean. When we're in summer camp...that makes you happy because then you're alone. (ouch...like a knife in the heart, this answer)
3. What makes mom sad?
When we're fighting.
4. What does your mom do to make you laugh?
Nothing.
5. How old is your mom?
49
6. How tall is your mom?
I don't know. How am I supposed to know that, Mom?
7. What is her favourite thing to do?
Spend time with her friends. (again, ouch...I mean, I do love spending time with friends, but it doesn't happen that often...can't believe he thought this would rank above spending time with him! Well, lots of work to be done here.)
8. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
Text. Watch tv. Clean. I think that's pretty much it. (really?? text??)
9. If your mom became famous, what would she be famous for?
That's a hard one. Making Hello Dollies. (this is a 10 minute dessert I make)
10. What is your mom really good at?
I don't know. Lots of things, I guess. (you should have heard the snort that went along with this one)
11. What is your mom not good at?
Oh, well, you're not good at wanting shedding dogs. You're not good at soccer and horse riding.
12. What does your mom do for a job?
Nothing. Takes care of her kids...that's it. (yeah...that's it.)
13. What is your mom's favourite food?
How am I supposed to know? Let me think. Oh, that restaurant where we went with Uncle David and Aunt Cathy - the Thai restaurant where we had that meat and potato yellow stuff.
14. What makes you proud of your mom?
For getting a dog.
15. What do you and your mom do together?
Usually school. You never spend time with me anymore. All we do is Learning Eggs and school stuff. (Man, this kid knows exactly where to put the knife! We do soooo little school, especially with him, and we've done all of one session of an online reading program called Reading Eggs. And we try every weekend to have one-on-one time with the kids. Ouch!)
16. How are you and your mom the same?
We like horses, we like dogs. We love animals.
17. How are you and your mom different?
I like tv and you don't. I like video games and you don't.
18. How do you know your mom loves you?
'Cause she says it.
19. Where is your mom's favourite place?
With us...and with your friends.Lizzie - age 8
1. What is something Mom always says to you?
Don't pick up the dog. And that you love me. (pretty accurate!)
2. What makes mom happy?
Us. Us as a family. (yup)
3. What makes mom sad?
When we don't do the right thing. (yes)
4. What does your mom do to make you laugh?
Everything. She tickles us. And she says funny things.
5. How old is your mom?
49.
6. How tall is your mom?
Average.
7. What is her favourite thing to do?
When she's with us. And when we play with Charlie all together in a circle.
8. What does your mom do when you’re not around?
She sometimes goes out with people and sometimes by herself, and she likes to go to Starbucks and snuggle in a corner and read her book and drink coffee...and sometimes she just rests at home. (yes, she's pretty much nailed my Thursday nights out!)
9. If your mom became famous, what would she be famous for?
Being the kindest mom ever. (awwww...)
10. What is your mom really good at?
Taking care of us. Cooking, too.
11. What is your mom not good at?
(laughter) This is hard. I don't know. Wait. I'm thinking. Thinking. Fixing stuff. Yeah, she's not a great fixer of things around the house. (true)
12. What does your mom do for a job?
Takes care of us. She always does that - takes care of me.
13. What is your mom's favourite food?
Her stuff...the stuff she cooks. But mostly that yellow curry stuff with the meat and potato at that Thai restaurant that you say is the best food in the entire world.
14. What makes you proud of your mom?
That she's beautiful. (here she stopped the questions to throw herself at me for a hug and a kiss)
15. What do you and your mom do together?
We sometimes snuggle up and sometimes we go out together. Sometimes we shop for clothes and once we went for pizza after shopping for clothes. And then we both ate a dessert and it was so good and I want to do this all the time with her.
16. How are you and your mom the same?
We like her food. We both smile a lot. And we're both beautiful. (love that she so readily thinks herself beautiful!)
17. How are you and your mom different?
My mom is tall and I'm not. She has kids and I don't. I'm one of those kids. Probably other stuff but not that I can think of. I lose more things than her, too!!
18. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because she's very kind to me and she loves me. You always smile at me and you never say mean things to me. And you hug me and you kiss me. So that's how I know I'm safe with you. (interesting to me that she connected my loving her and her safety)
19. Where is your mom's favourite place?
Starbucks when she goes out. And our home.
This is super cool! What a neat record to have and something you can do in the future. I would like to do this with my kids.
ReplyDeleteI like it, too, and will likely try it again in the future...maybe a year from now!!
DeleteRuth
Posted for Meaghan, who had a hard time commenting herself:
ReplyDelete________________
Hi Ruth,
It was lovely to read your kids' comments (and yours too!). You're clearly doing a lot of things right and wonderful!
I felt sadness, for you, reading Sean's comments... it's so easy to imagine how much that may have hurt, just given how much love and effort you're putting into all your children. But it occurred to me, those "knife in the heart" replies could simply as coping, and totally making sense for a child with history of trauma?
Attachment theory is based on Winnicott's work, which explains childhood trauma occurs when one of two situations:
1) Things that happen that shouldn't happen (sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc.) and
2) Things that should happen but don't (attachment, etc).
Both, obviously, can lead to PTSD.
Whether PTSD and/or poor attachment, someone who's been through hell through early childhood trauma - and knows loss far too dearly, as with your wonderful boy - don't want to lose what they love. That avoidance (viewed through the lens of PTSD) means doing things like pre-emptively pushing it away. Kind of a "it's better to hurt than be hurt (again)" situation, because at least in the 'hurting' there's some sense of control (however unconscious it might be).
In which case, saying hurtful things - considering the source, past history and epigenetics - really means "I love you. I don't want to lose you. I'm scared."
Beyond this, if someone's been through a LOT of trauma, especially early one during critical peaks of neuroplastic remodelling, their brains are pre-emptively wired to see the negative. That's a survival technique dating back when we were, basically, prey. (Rick Hanson-researcher in this field-puts it at a rough estimate of 10 to 1, i.e. for every negative experience, it takes the brain 10x the positive experience to break that particular neural connection and rewire).
Some of my go-to researchers in this realm (at risk of adding to your reading list!!) include:
- Dan Siegal (anything he's written about kids!)
- Bessel van der Kolk ("The Body Keeps the Score")
- Rick Hanson ("Hardwiring Happiness")
Maybe reframing this in a biopsychosocial model of trauma doesn't fully staunch the knife wounds, but hopefully it helps them sting is a little less! '
For what it's worth (knowing far too well both trauma and the unrelenting effort, support and LOVE that it takes to overcome and heal), I think you're doing an amazing job. There's a very simple reason I follow your blog, Ruth: Every time I read a posting, I give thanks that there are people like you in this world... reparenting wounded souls hurt far too deeply when they were at their most vulnerable through deep empathy, commitment and love (along with a whole LOT of hard work - non stop! - navigating the vicissitudes of trauma and recovery!!)
much love, and kudos to you, xo M.
(p.s. Let's go to Starbucks together sometimes. My treat :)
Hi Meaghan and thank you so much for your comment and for your kind words! I would dearly love to visit a Starbucks with you...especially if it were your treat!
DeleteThank you for your oh-so-encouraging words near the bottom of your comment...and even for using the word vicissitudes!! Gave me shivers with that word usage (and it also meant that you read my earlier post on the pursuit of happiness...oh, I do so love that word!)
I also appreciate the referrals to your go-to-researchers. I've read some of Siegal, and have heard of the Hanson book, but haven't even heard of Bessel van der Kolk...thank you! I'll need to decide what to add to that lengthy reading list of mine!!
Loved your comment about pre-emptively pushing people away re: Seth; despite my privately-hurt feelings about his answers to my questions, I actually very much agree with your assessment as to what's going on...he's very much that way and in his need of control in relationship, etc. Very very true. It's funny how I can know these things cognitively, but that the heart hurt can still co-exist with that knowledge. It actually took me a couple of days to get over his words...I might not now even be quite over them, as much as I know the reasons for it and as much as I know that this boy loves me incredibly much.
The work is really and truly non-stop, you're right...but the joy from knowing that so much has already been done is worth every bit of it. Man, I love these kids!
Hugs and love coming your way, Meaghan - so very glad you're here!!
Ruth
As I was reading Seth's answers...they struck me as being similar to how you wrote about Lizzie's relationship with the dog. It's like he's still not gonna let himself get too close or too vulnerable...and he gives you and himself solid reasons why he shouldn't be fully loved to make the whole relationship with you less scary..
ReplyDeleteHi Carolyn, and thanks so much for your comment. I've often noticed both similarities and difference in how Seth and Lizzie respond with their hearts to their past traumas. In both cases, as you've said, it's like they find reasons not to let themselves get too close/vulnerable, etc. And yet they manifest somewhat differently...though it's hard to explain! Seth, historically, has been very, very defended...still is with many people...but when he lets someone in and lets down his guard, he LOVES and loves deeply. I'm a perfect example of being a recipient of his love, as are a precious few others. He tells me many time daily that he loves me, with words/actions/hugs/etc etc. Once someone's won him over, he's theirs and he'll do whatever to protect the relationship. With Lizzie, she has no problem letting pretty much anyone in to her heart - she makes friends easily, loves readily. But when she gets really close, that's when she gets scared and begins almost to re-enact her past trauma, anticipating that the person will leave her and so actively working towards accomplishing that end in order to survive. It's almost like one is front-end loaded and the other is back-end loaded. If that makes any sense whatsoever.
DeleteSo Seth is really and deeply reserved at the front-end and then finally, maybe, lets people in; whereas Lizzie has almost no barriers at the front end and saves her trauma manifestation for the back-end.
What do I know!!?!! I'm confusing myself even as I write this! It's rather like walking a maze, going about understanding my kids' minds and hearts. I need all of the insight I can get.
So appreciative that you're reading and thinking about this stuff and being here, Carolyn! Keep pondering!
Hugs.
Ruth