Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Haunted by their Past.

There are times when I feel haunted by the past that Seth and Lizzie have that I cannot change.  Perhaps that seems like an odd thing to feel, but it's true.  It comes in waves...most acutely when I hear of younger kids who weigh more than my Seth did before he came into our family.  Every time I hear of someone receiving a referral of a child from Ethiopia, my first thought is to wonder how much the child weighs relative to his/her age.  I've not yet heard of a child Seth's age who weighed less than he did; although I wouldn't wish that on any child or parent, sometimes I selfishly just want to hear of one, just one, child who was Seth's age and who weighed the same or less...so that I know he could have survived...so that I know he wasn't as close to death as I know he was.  But it hasn't happened yet - the kids being referred are usually years younger than Seth was at referral and already far heavier than our Seth.

Seth was five years old and weighed 22 pounds.  Twenty-two pounds.  I've said that here before, and I'll probably say it again - the fact is that I just can't wrap my head around it, no matter how often I say it out loud.  That was Matthew at six or seven months old.  It's no wonder that pediatricians thought both Seth and Lizzie were significantly over-aged given their sizes.

We were told by the adoption doctor we consulted before accepting our referral of Seth and Lizzie that when children are as severely and chronically malnourished as ours were, first the child's weight is affected...then their size/stature...and lastly their brain - the body tries to protect the brain from the ravages of such malnutrition for as long as possible.  Clearly our kids' weights and sizes/statures were profoundly affected.  The outstanding question was always about how much their brains had been affected...particularly Seth's, given that he'd been exposed to it for a full two years longer than Lizzie had.  There was simply no guarantee to be had that he would be ok, despite the tests that the doctor completed to attempt to draw a conclusion or even a likelihood.

I want to go back and protect them.  Please.  I know it's completely unreasonable, obviously impossible, but I want so terribly badly to go back in time and ease their suffering, ease the hunger pain that I know lived with them as constant companion, ease their father's anguish at not being able to provide what he so desperately wanted to.  I know things about their earlier life that we've told no one; things that we will tell and help Seth and Lizzie process some day; things that bring me to my knees in grief sometimes.  I'd give anything to be able to go back in time to provide for them, to protect them...even if it meant that the end result would be not having them become my children...at least to know they would be provided for.

Like I said, this stuff haunts me and I lose sleep over it.  Lots of it, from time to time.  The grief of it swamps me and there's no rationalizing my way out of it.  I'm never quite sure what to do with it other than just to get through it; life goes on normally on the outside, but on the inside....  Then I overcome it for a time, until the next wave hits me - always out of the blue.  It took me weeks to grieve the last wave and I remember thinking just a week or two ago that maybe this had gotten a little easier for me.

And then just yesterday I read about a situation in Toronto, where a boy was allegedly starved to death at the hands of his grandparents - a coroner's inquest is now being held, inquiring "into the death of five-year-old Jeffrey Baldwin, who weighed just 21 pounds when he died, about the same as he did on his first birthday."

Body slam.  Just that one sentence.  Body slam.


6 comments:

  1. I cant. even. imagine. I get a knot in my stomach when I think of the times I witnessed strangers coming into the orphanage and picking Z up out of her crib, (where I left her to sleep)... knowing her now, I know how much fear she would suffered on a daily basis from this type of thing. It makes me feel sick. But I cannot even imagine the gut wrenching feeling you must get knowing what type of experience this little man had for 5 years. I am so glad his life was saved... and was not yet another statistic. I hope you can find a way to process this and find some peace so you can sleep at night. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Jo...much appreciated...and I know you can relate to much of these anxieties.

    Hugs,

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have managed to put into words something I suffer from so often but cannot articulate. It's not rational this thought that I should have been able to protect my children before I even knew who they were, where they were, but it's there, every day, eating at me, causing me to lose sleep.

    I'm so thankful that Seth did survive and that he found his way into your home. It's a miracle that he did. Perhaps the prayers you were praying for your kids before you even knew who they were protected him even then. And in that way, you were protecting him the only way you could.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Sharla...it's nice to feel not alone in these things and clearly you're well versed in this area. I'd never thought about our prayers quite in that way before and that gives me something to ponder...and yes, I'm so deeply grateful that Seth survived and is part of our family. He IS a miracle.

    Thanks Sharla.

    Hugs,

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  5. "Haunted" is definitely the right word. Seth (and Lizzie too!) is not my child by I have spent a lot of time since you wrote this post being haunted and followed by the connection you made between Seth and the little guy in Toronto. So today, on Thanksgiving, I am not only giving thanks for my own two amazing wonders, but also for your 3 and that Seth and Lizzie had the strength to hang on and experience the love and nurturing of their second family.
    Ellen

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you Ellen...I cannot imagine a more beautiful thing! You brought tears to my eyes with this, and I am thankful for you!!

    Hugs, and blessings,

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete