Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Moment by Moment

I took some advice I was given last week (about worrying too much) and so when I woke up quite tired this morning, I told the kids that they could go down and watch tv while I stayed in bed.  I woke up almost two hours later, and felt so much better!  I still felt guilty about letting the kids watch that much tv, but made a conscious decision to let it go.  The good news is that I was much better positioned (ie. less tired) to handle a few tough moments that arose later in the morning.

We actually got a bit of school done yesterday and today, so things must be looking up a little.  It's still pretty moment-by-moment with Matthew, though.  He's still vacillating, pretty equally, between 'normal' moments, rage-filled moments and remorse-filled moments, but this is an improvement over last week, when the rage and remorse (and their aftermath) pretty much took over the week.

For about ten days, I have been virtually unable to leave Matthew alone with Seth and/or Lizzie for even a minute because Matthew's rage has been so combustible that I just can't always predict when its going to happen or what form it's going to take.  Watching tv is about the only activity that I can leave them to without having to be present.  When we get out of the van, I go to the kids' van door before I let them unbuckle their seat belts and get out, simply because I don't know what's going to set Matthew off and how that will impact simple things like getting out of the van.  When I go to the bathroom these days, I use the upstairs one so that I can bring Matthew with me and he can sit outside the door and talk with me through the door.  In brief moments that the kids are actually getting along and playing together, I'm in the room with them.  If Matthew's working on a project in the sunroom, I'm careful for now to keep the other kids out of there so that they don't inadvertently invoke more rage than he's already dealing with.

It's a lot of work and I'm not used to the intensity of my engagement with them on such a moment-by-moment basis.  I orchestrate all of this very carefully and very casually, so that the kids don't really know that I'm working so hard to be hands-on in managing this or trying to keep them separate when I'm not there.  But it's necessary for the time being, and it will come to an end.

I really do think that we're right at the/a crisis point with Matthew.  I don't know how long it's going to last and it's certainly an unpleasant atmosphere for the moment.  But it's what he has to go through, and I've been assured by experts that this is something he needs to grieve before he can more forward.

In the meantime, I've accepted more advice and have instituted a return to quiet time today.  In the past number of months, we've been having quiet time about once every ten days, but I've decided that given the circumstances, I need a more regular break in the afternoons.  So that's what's happening right now - the kids are all in separate rooms, doing quiet activities, and I'm sitting in my favourite chair in our little library.  Thirty minutes isn't all that long, but sometimes it's just enough to recharge the old batteries.


8 comments:

  1. I'm glad that you're walking through this hard stuff with Matthew-and really letting him walk through it and not around it. It will be so much better on the other side.
    45 minute quiet times are a must in my house in the summer time-even for my big kids. Sanity!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Sharon - I sure hope there's an other side, and I sure hope it's going to be much better!

    45 minutes is what I'm going to gear towards. Interestingly, Matthew really enjoys quiet times; I think it's just a break from some of the tough stuff for him when he's always with the other kids. Lizzie has the hardest time of it because she's so incredibly social and prefers to be with people every second of the day.

    ANyway, thanks!

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  3. Smart, Ruth! Take care of yourself, Geoff, & the kiddos in whatever way works for you & gives you that brief bit of sanctuary that our souls long for. The LORD is your refuge. Blessings, sister.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks, Mrs. C. BLessings coming right back at you!

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just caught up with your last several posts. Sorry that you're having such a difficult time! I know in the midst of it the minutes drag and it feels like forever. Hang in there! I know I don't know you in real life, but from reading here, I KNOW you're an amazing mom! May God grant you the strength you need for each moment. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks Erin, and thanks for the prayer.

    Hugs,

    Ruth

    ReplyDelete
  7. So glad to hear that you are trying to go easier on yourself and give yourself and the kids breaks when possible. Great job going back to bed and getting the rest that you needed! I truly hope that quiet time works out for you and your kids and then everyone gets a break that they need. Hang in there! You are doing a fantastic job!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks EIleen...guess you had some good advice last week huh?!

    R

    ReplyDelete