Thursday, September 3, 2009

It Feels Like Christmas Eve

I have this feeling of anticipation about tomororw...that tomorrow is going to be a big day, an emotional day. Tomorrow is the day that we are to receive and open a most beautiful gift:  a restructuring plan to pull Imagine Adoption out of bankruptcy and put it back into operation.  Apparently, the trustee in bankruptcy (BDO Dunwoody) is making the last changes to the plan today and is prepared to present it to creditors tomorrow.  After that, creditors will be given time to vote on the plan and, if positive, BDO will go to court to legally annul Imagine's bankruptcy.  I can't imagine that creditors would vote anything other than positively towards this news.

What a roller coaster this journey has been (and will contine to be until the day we bring our children home). The time since the bankruptcy announcement on July 13th has been full of ups and downs, ranging from abject despair to mountain-top excitement and hope.  In my darker moments, particularly in the early days after July 13th, I have wondered if this has been God's way of telling me that it's not part of his plan for my life to bring these children home and I know that other parents in this situation have had similar thoughts.  The very prospect has been enough to stop my breath at times, but I admit that I've thought about it.  What if I'm supposed to have one child - is Matthew not enough?

Tough questions and I don't know exactly how to answer them.  About a month ago, I sat down and explained to Matthew some of the things that were going on with our adoption and told him that there was a really good chance that we would not be able to bring home his brother and sister. (He's convinced that he'll have one sibling of either gender, regardless of how many times I've told him it might be otherwise!)  After a long conversation, during which we both cried, I wanted to give him some reassurance and so I said to him:  "Matthew, I want you to know something:  If it happens that we are not able to bring them home, you and Daddy and I are still going to have a very good life...the best life possible.  We'll be sad for a while, but we'll get happy again and it's always going to be you and Daddy and me and that will be a really great thing, too."  That seems to have stuck in his mind somewhere because every once in a while he parrots something similar back to me...while still praying fervently multiple times every single day that God would somehow allow his brother and sister to come home.

So when I think about whether God is trying to tell me something through this crisis moment, when I think about whether Matthew is enough, I think about what I told Matthew...that he is enough.  In fact, he is more than enough - he was my miracle child and I believe he is a gift of the very God that I have had cause to question of late.

And yet...

Yet...when I think about my Ethiopian-born children, I cannot help but think that they, too, are born of my heart's desire; that they, too, are my intended miracles. My heart and mind are full of them, just as they are of Matthew. I'm not sure why God would choose to bless me with three miracles when so many other families long for just one or just one more.  But I do believe he placed them in my heart a long time ago, even as far back as my own childhood, and that there is a place in my heart which only these children are meant to fill.

When I anticipate the implications of tomorrow's news, I am filled with such strong emotion and at the core of it is the deepest sense of thanksgiving and gratitude.  I can hardly wait to peel back the wrapping of tomorrow's gift.  My heart is full.

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