But the thing that really kinda took my spirits down a peg was the brief conversation I just had with Seth and Lizzie. Matt had a hard time falling asleep last night so he's still sleeping; Seth was enjoying a bath and Lizzie was playing in the bathroom nearby. We were talking about all of the excitement in the lead up to Christmas and Lizzie asked how many more days until Christmas; at the same time Seth asked how many more weeks until Christmas. I right away took this as a moment to, yet again, reinforce what they've been learning over the past year, and asked them "well, how many days are there in one week?"
Simultaneously they shouted out.
Seth: "Ten!!!"
Lizzie: "Four!!!"
Both convinced that they were right. Both obviously wrong.
"Ooo," I shouted cheerfully. "Let's try again...how many days are there in one week?"
Seth: "Forty-four."
Lizzie: "One."
For what felt like the millionth time, and with a cheerful voice that felt a little forced on my part, we sang through our little days-of-the-week song and counted up how many days are in a week and they were both so joyful when they arrived at the number seven and somehow knew with even more certainty that this number was right. And we all did a little jig of joy, with Seth happily scooching around on his butt in the tub and all was right with the world.
Not a big deal, right? But I have to admit that these kinds of moments are really hard for me. We've seriously been working on this stuff for so long that it wouldn't be remiss to say that we've been working on it for more than a year. Just last week, during their math lessons, both kids told me how many days were in an week, how many months in a year, recited the days and months, and could tell me the full date. Then this, seriously as if they've never known differently.
It's hard on me at times. Some days, really hard. Just when I think progress is being made...
Then, moments later, Lizzie asked if she could brush her teeth for the day once Seth was out of the bathroom (the kids brush in the mornings, Geoff/I do in the evenings). I said "of course." Then she said, "but I already have brushed my teeth," with a plaintive tone that made it sound like I was telling her to do something over again; like it was my miscommunication that had led to her upset.
I dealt with it well, but on the inside was banging my head against a wall. This happens so often, these circular kinds of conversations.
A few minutes ago, once Seth was out of the bath, both kids gave me a giant hug and skipped, skipped off downstairs to play. Life is great.
But there are days when I think to myself why do I bother? It feels just a little too much for a Monday morning, with the week stretched out ahead of me. It's not even 8 a.m.
I know that learning is a challenge when kids have the kinds of issues mine do. I know this, and these kinds of situations should not be surprising to me, or even upsetting, any more. So why do I just feel like sitting in a lump this morning and having a good cry?
That is discouraging, especially on a dreary Monday morning (if you are getting the snowy grey weather we are getting)! I also wonder if part of you is grieving for them as well as discouragement for yourself and them. It must be hard knowing what they have gone through and seeing the impact of early years poverty with little to no nutrition has on their lives today. Big hugs to get you through your monday! Allison
ReplyDeleteThanks for the virtual hug and warm thoughts, Allison. Sigh. Yes, there is grieving involved, absolutely, on so many levels. And sometimes the grief is a little harder after a few weeks when I've seen so much to be encouraged about.
ReplyDeleteAfter breakfast, I had Seth on my lap for a few minutes of quiet cuddly and, towards the end, I asked him again about the number of days in the week. He immediately said "nine." Inwardly I sighed, and then I asked him if he could tell me what the days of the week were. He said that he always forgets them, but that January and April were two of them. I said "huh, you're thinking of the months of the year. What about the days of the week?" He said "you mean like Sunday and Monday and stuff?" "Yes," I answered. "Well, there are 7 days in the week, Mom," he said in a DUH tone and then recited perfectly what those days are. On the one hand I was relieved that he did not, in fact, forget the days of the week. But on the other hand, it's still so discouraging that it's still so hard for him to recognize in his brain what the differences are between days of the week and months of the year. It's been so long.
The kids are doing so great, overall, and in the midst of grieving some of this stuff, I need to remember about Seth, for example, that this is a kid who, just seven or eight months ago, was so terribly heart-defended and now I get hugs/kisses/I love yous all the time.
It's hard when we want so much for our kids and wonder if it'll ever happen...but then again, I was convinced eight months ago that he'd never be able to express his love for me either.
Anyway, I have the (unfortunate) luxury of rambling at the moment b/c two kids are making CHristmas presents (for me!) at the moment...something out of perler beads, I gather!...and one kid is actually, lo-and-behold cleaning his room.
Thanks again, Allison!
R
PS. Any further news on your situation of late?
sorry...some bad grammar in my previous comment.
ReplyDeleteR
It's harder when you're tired. Try to remember that in the big scheme of things, this is just a fart. Pardon the language. ;) You seriously need to watch the Avengers, and listen for my fave line. Suit Up. Ephesians 6. Don't let our adversary have a meal of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the out loud laugh, Cindy!
DeleteWHich Avengers...aren't there a few??
Thanks!! Will try not to be a meal!
Ruth
That would be the movie that was released in 2012. I've watched it so many times my kids cringe when I suggest it!
ReplyDeleteYes, we passed court! I'll send you an email :-) I laughed at Seth's DUH tone! He has come so far and it must be so frustrating for them and you when his brain doesn't cooperate! I get frustrated when mine won't cooperate and I don't have near the struggles the kids have gone through. Someone told me I had Mommy brain - I thought "GREAT, just when I need my brain the most apparently it has decided to desert me!"
ReplyDeleteAllison
Thanks guys! Cindy, I'll check the movie out...and Allison, congrats on passing court - you're truly in the home stretch now!! I'll look for your email.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you both.
Ruth
These moments are so frustrating when they happen. For me, those moments at school look just like that but without mommy guilt (but with a layer of teacher guilt, but it is definitely different). At home those discouraging times are are connected to trauma and anxiety instead of "academics". Every time I think we've got things in balance it is pointed out to me very clearly and bluntly that we are definitely not there. Somehow with each round you feel like this is the time it is really going to stick/work/be solid, and then wham, a wake up call.
ReplyDeleteSo from here, I'm sending you a supportive hug of understanding and the strength to continue to see the amazing growth you have all made. Maybe a cup of tea, sipped while curled up in a blanket next to a warm fire too (can one send those virtually?).
Ellen
I think you've hit it, Ellen...that with each round it feels like THIS time it's going to work...and then one's hopes get up....and then, as you said, wham! Exactly.
DeleteAnyway, thank you...yes, I'm feeling the support virtually! And the cup of tea sounds like something the doctor ordered...maybe for this evening after the kids are in bed.
Thanks for the hug...and sending one back your way!
Ruth
If you are anything like me, sometimes these things do get like weight their bears down and I also find that it builds and builds (even seemingly little things) and then comes the lump and ya know, sometimes it's just good to have a cry!!! Hope brighter days are ahead!
ReplyDeleteThanks Angela...and yes, I agree, sometimes it IS just good to have a cry!!
DeleteHugs,
Ruth