This Wait is Killing me Now.

I'm dying here.  No, not literally (I hope).

When we made the change to our child request on June 03rd, we were told by our social worker at Imagine that she would be surprised if we weren't matched within a couple of months (a match takes place privately between the orphanage and Imagine Adoption, and is not communicated to the waiting family as a referral until medical tests have been completed and all of the necessary documentation has been collected).  She actually thought that the match could happen as quickly as a week or two after our change, given that our request (at least if it's a single child) is for a child who is 42-63 months of age (an age that most people don't request).  Well, tomorrow it will be exactly ten weeks since we advised Imagine of our change - well beyond that two-month mark, I figure.  We simply must be matched by now...I've been thinking that, feeling that, for weeks already.  When I had a very vague conversation with Imagine last week, nothing I heard changed this perception (though you know they're not allowed to say anything).

This particular aspect of the wait reminds me of the time when, after such a long time of trying to conceive a child (in both unassisted and assisted ways), we went through a fertility clinic procedure that I was certain worked - we had to wait two or three weeks to confirm that I was pregnant, but I simply and absolutely knew in those intervening days until I took the test that I was pregnant.  And I was.  Likewise, I'm convinced that our referral phonecall is just around the corner.  I walk around the house now with the phone jammed into my pocket, and I make sure that my cell phone is fully charged before I head out of the house (speaking of which, please excuse me for a moment while I go plug the thing in...).  Assuming that we were matched within a month of making the change to our request, and assuming that it takes between one and three months for the child's paperwork to be collected, I'm thinking that our referral will happen in the next month, maybe two.  My gut is even thinking (though I keep telling it to be quiet and to recognize that it's just hope or wishful thinking informing it) that we're going to hear something within the next week or so.  How's that for foolish thinking!?  I guess time will tell!

I can't get anything done.  Matthew has been in science camp for a couple of days this week and you'd think that I'd have made amazing progress on my many household projects.  You'd be wrong.  This week I'm embarrassed to say that, on more than a couple of occasions, I've wasted quite a considerable amount of time sitting in my library or home office, simply staring for long periods of time at the phone.  Wanting it to ring.  Willing it to ring.  When my mother called me for the third time on Tuesday morning, I was ready to shoot her for not being our local adoption agency...I fear my impatience was barely veiled by my tone of voice and abruptness.

I've been embarrassed, too, to answer Geoff's daily question over dinner about how my day was and what I was up to, especially with Matthew away.  You should have see how, on Monday, I buried my face in my food while trying to wiggle my way around his question - vainly attempting to conjure up whatever answer I could.

Geoff:  "So how was your day today, Ruth?"

Me:  "Good, thanks.  How 'bout yours?"  (Thinking: please let this change the subject so I don't have to answer your question any more...tell me about your day)

Geoff:  "Fine, but tell me more about yours first."  Darn it.  He was messing me up in his effort to be considerate.  Then he continued, with interest:  "What were you up to with Matthew at camp?"

To this I shovelled some food into my mouth and then pointed to my mouth, indicating that I couldn't talk with my mouth full (probably the only time in my life that a full mouth has stopped me from talking, unfortunately, but I tried to look incredulous nonetheless).

Alas, he waited til I was finished chewing and then asked again.

Me:  "Well, yes, it was a busy day.  I - well, I - yup, pretty busy day overall.  Had some work to do and stuff.  But my day probably wasn't as interesting as your day.  What did your day look like?"

Thank goodness it worked second time 'round.  But all I could think was 'what the heck did I do today other than sit and stare at the phone?'  I know I did something, I'm sure I did.  Somehow, telling the guy who's working hard to keep us fed and housed that I stared at the phone all day and checked my email and the yahoo adoption forum about a thousand times (per hour) doesn't feel like much of an hurrah moment.

Oh, I am a weak woman, people.  I can't rise above this.  This is all I want to do right now:  sit, plunked at my computer, with the phone at my right elbow.

Ring, darn it, ring.

* Thank you all so much for the kind, supportive and understanding comments I keep receiving!  What a wonderful support network I have!!