A Seth Comment.

A few minutes ago, as I was putting a few cranberry orange loaves into the oven, Seth wandered over to see what I was doing.  He said:

"Mom, are you bakin' - 'cause I need lots more yummy stuff to eat.  Or, actually, maybe I could have some of that yummy stuff over there???"

He was pointing to the cupboard where I thought the Halloween treats were hidden.

"I Hate You"

I haven't had that said to me in about eighteen months, but these words came out of Matthew's mouth last Wednesday.

Could these be the harshest words in the English language?  I'm not sure, but they really hurt.

As I've shared here before, Matthew's had a really hard time of life in the past few months since his siblings came home.  He's doing a lot better in recent weeks, but we still just try to survive the rough days.  So on Wednesday, when I asked Matthew to come inside for an early lunch, he 'melted' and fell onto the floor screaming, even before I could remind him that the reason for an early lunch was so that we could head out to his weekly gym class...which the boys love.  He wept angrily on the floor (for about the eighth time so far in the day) for several minutes, until I was pretty much ready to not even bother mentioning going to gym class.

When I tried once to intervene in his on-the-floor raging, he looked right at me and uttered the words of hate.  Not only have I not heard this from him in a long time, but ever since Seth and Lizzie have come home, Matthew tends to express more love and neediness of me than resentment or anger.

I've taken enough Gordon Neufeld parenting classes to know full well that this was said in the heat of the moment and that it was a manifestation of frustration, just as if he'd thrown something across the room out of anger.  I get it.  And as a result, I was able, very evenly and naturally, to respond to him that "it's ok, Matthew - I get that you're frustrated.  I still love you, though.  Whole heart."  I reached down and ran my hand down his arm for just a moment, one of those quick caresses designed to convey comfort and availability without being long enough to provoke a flinch.  Then I  moved a few feet away to work on lunch prep while Matthew continued to flail about and cry.  But a few minutes later, I couldn't put up a front any longer.  I told Matthew that I was heading to the bathroom for a minute.  I barely made it through the bathroom door before I started to cry.

I cried because despite knowing that Matthew loves me incredibly much, despite knowing that he didn't mean what he said, despite knowing that he was just frustrated, despite knowing he's had a brutal time of the past four months, despite all of my outward assurances, despite my inner confidence that it would be ok...his words hurt.  I felt crushed.  Gut-punched.  My world had shifted on its axis.  After everything we've been through together in the past four+ months, after working sooo hard to help him through this tough time, after loving him so terribly much, I just couldn't believe that he felt this way about me, for even a moment.

I didn't linger too long in the bathroom - the kids already think I have the bladder of a flea because I head to the privy so often and they have no idea that my bladder is just fine and that I'm really just trying to regroup before re-engaging any of them.  I washed my eyes with cold water because I've learned that it really does reduce redness, and I forced myself back out the door.  I smiled at Matthew and told him again that I love him, and said that when he wanted to talk about whatever was frustrating him, I'd be happy to.

It wasn't more than ten minutes later when Matthew approached me from behind and put his arms around my waist.  "I'm sorry I said that to you, Mom.  I didn't mean it.  You know that, don't you?  I was just mad.  I actually love you with my whole heart."  I turned to hug and kiss him, and as I bent over his head, my heart felt expansive with love and my eyes welled briefly with tears of thanksgiving and relief.  I told him that "of course" I know he loves me and and understand that he was having a moment of frustration and that I knew even in the moment that he didn't mean it.  Calm, cool, and collected was I.

Little did he know that his words tilted my world right side up again; I could almost hear the twang of the axis as it straightened out.  It may have been a dreary day outside, but let me tell you, the sun was suddenly shining in our kitchen.

Another Stranger Conversation...from last week.

Virtual stranger (I'd met her once before):  "Your kids sure are cute.  I could take the two youngest home with me...any time...my husband and I are interested in adopting, so I might want to take you for coffee sometime and pick your brain."

Me (perhaps mildly annoyed that she'd ignored Matthew's presence): "To be honest, I'm not sure I have time for coffee these days...I'm having a hard enough time building the friendships I have already.  But if you have some specific questions about the adoption process, I'd be happy to exchange emails or have a phone conversation...or we'll probably run into each other here again."

Virtual stranger:  "Well, for sure I'm interested to know how much they cost." (exact quote) 

Me: (my blood pressure was surely going up a bit, but I was willing to engage her real issue because she seemed genuinely interested in adopting)  Well, they didn't cost anything, but there were certainly some significant administrative costs associated with the two agencies we worked with, and the legal costs and travel costs. It's a pretty expensive process, depending on where you adopt from.

Virtual stranger (gesturing towards where the three kids were playing): "Are they siblings?"

Me: "Yup, they're all siblings."

Virtual stranger:  "Right, but I meant the two African kids?"

Me: "I actually thought you meant Seth and Lizzie, who're actually Canadian citizens now, but we're really just more comfortable saying to people that they're all siblings.  There are some sensitivities about this issue for our family." (note: I was trying to soften my comment by adding the last sentence, but wondered later if I needed to do that at all)

Virtual stranger:  "Yes, but maybe you can just tell me as a aside whether they're siblings or not. I don't have to say anything to the kids."

Me:  "Actually, the kids are already pretty clear on where things are at.  I'm just trying to avoid answering that question altogether because of a decision we've made as a family."

Virtual stranger:  "Oh.  But I don't understand.  I thought you were ok answering my adoption questions."

Me:  "Sorry, I should have been more clear about that.  I'm very happy to talk about adoption process, such as which agency we used, how long things took, some of the specific costs, what to expect when bringing the kids home, attachment issues, etc.  I can answer a ton of questions like that.  But outside of immediate family, we're actually not very comfortable taking the lead in answering questions about our kids.  We feel that this is their story to share and we want to follow their lead when they're able to answer questions for themselves."

After a couple of brief additional comments, the conversation was over.  I haven't seen her since.

Our Schoolroom

I realized recently that I've never posted pictures of our school room before, so I thought I'd take a moment to show you a few pictures of it...though it's changed (been improved) a little since I took these pictures a few weeks back.

Actually, I'll do a 'before and after' series of pictures.  Some of the 'before' pictures are kind of embarrassing, because, for a time, this room was a massive dumping ground for everything that had no home.  Besides, who doesn't love a good 'before and after'?

Here are the 'before' pictures...actually, these are the really before pictures...when we built out our basement two winters ago, and built a school room onto one end of the basement.

(below)

This is Geoff, one evening two winters ago, just after we'd hauled in some of the drywall to put up walls.  The large opening behind Geoff's back is now the double door entrance to our school room.

(below)

This picture is taken from almost the same vantage point as the one above; here you can see the painter working in the school room.

(below)

Here's the painter in the school room.

(below)

Though the school room walls are painted here, and the closet doors are in, this room became the repository for everything in the rest of the basement while the rest of the basement was being painted/carpeted/finished etc.  So this soon-to-be schoolroom was a complete disaster by the time I was ready to start preparing it to do some actual school work!

(below)

Another view of the mess I cleaned out.  The classroom flooring didn't go in until late last year, so in this shot the floor is still full of paint splotches.

We painted the walls a soft white, with the idea being that we would add enough colour to the room with other stuff that I thought we'd have a neutral background.  In hindsight, I sometimes wish we had painted it a soft colour (yellow maybe??), but as the room is now filling up with colourful things, I'm ok with the white.

(below)

One last shot of the mess, before we get the better 'after' pictures!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, so finally we can get to some of the 'after' pictures!

(below)

Here's that same entryway that you saw when the basement was under construction...it's the entrance to our school room.

(below)

Open the French doors and here's what you see.  My desk is straight ahead against the wall, though these days it's looking much fuller, with binders and work materials organized on the surfaces.  I can't believe how often we use the wall maps that I put up (one world map, and one of Canada)...they factor somehow into pretty much every day at school.  On the right wall, you'll see that I put up two white boards - one for my height, and one more at the kids' height.  The floor is 'just' a vinyl, but I love it - it's a textured bamboo design that is super easy to clean, looks great, and feels good on the feet.

(below)

When you enter the doorway, this is what you see to the left.  

The alphabet stickers are from Peel Monkey, and I love them - the stickers were not hard to put on, and I think they look great.

I bought the two school desks online from a Texas wholesaler because they were pretty inexpensive (about $20/desk).  I wish I'd bought one more - but back then (in our pre-referral adoption days) we had just opened up our child request to "one or two children" and I thought for sure we'd receive a referral for one child!  So for now, Lizzie sits at a child's IKEA table, which is perfect for now because she does mostly crafty stuff for school work and takes up more space than her brothers with her craft supplies.   

(below)

At the far end of the room, I put in a cozy reading area.  Most mornings, to start school off, I read stories to the kids (sitting on that cozy chair straight ahead) while the kids play lego on the carpet, or draw at their desks.

I have a huge, shelved closet with double doors on the far wall that holds all of my supplies, and there's a toy caddy on the right wall that is now full of toys that the kids have gradually brought down to play with while I'm reading to them.

Also, on the left wall, you'll see a low-ceiling area with a small rocking chair in it (from my childhood).  This is our 'book nook,' where the kids can climb into and look at books. They love being tucked away in here to look at books, and it adds a little variety to where they can be while other kids are doing school.

(below)

I took this picture while I was reading to the kids one morning two weeks ago.

(below)

Here's the only picture I have of the book nook...it looks better these days, although I'm still looking for the right size carpet to put in here.  As it is, the kids have now stacked about eight pillows in there so they are able to lie comfortably when they're in there.  Lizzie loves to sit in the rocking chair and look at books.

(below)

Here's a view from the other end of the room.

(below)

At last, it was time to get school started this fall.

(below)

This was in our first week of school in mid-September, when all three kids were working on something. I gave each child his/her own plastic see-through box on the fist day of school, and filled each of them with markers, crayons, pens, pencils, an eraser, a pair of scissors and a pencil sharpener.  They loved receiving their own 'supply box.'

(below)

Matthew.  You'll notice the green bowl on his desk...that's for the popcorn or sliced fruit that the kids regularly eat while we're doing school...chewing on something seems to help concentration, for some reason.

(below)

After tracing a few of my letters, Seth managed a few "A's" on his own.  Lizzie was sure to critique his ever line!

If I'm working with one kid on his/her own (usually Matthew), the other two kids can play in the rec room on the other side of the entrance doors, which is very convenient.

And that's it folks...where we spend a chunk of most of our weekday mornings!

A Few Moments Ago...

Lizzie:  "Mommy, may I jump down stairs?" (pointing to the five or six stairs below her)

Me:  "No Lizzy, that's too far.  You'll hurt yourself."

Lizzie:  "No like that answer Mommy. Blah blah blah.  Mommy, say yes, ok?  Ok."

She jumped.  Owie.

Conversation from yesterday

Conversation yesterday with a store clerk...who had been raving about the beauty of my two young "babies." (ignoring Matthew completely)

Clerk (addressing Lizzie):  "Aren't you just the cutest little baby ever!!  What's your name?"

Lizzie:  "Yizzy."

Clerk: "Nancy?"

Lizzie:  "No, Yizzy."

Seth:  "Her name is Lizzy."

Clerk:  "Oh, Lizzy!  Is that short for Elizabeth?"

Lizzie:  "Yes."

Clerk (turning to Seth):  "And what is your name?"

Seth:  "Seff."

(I sighed)

Clerk:  "Sam?  What a lovely name...it's one of my favourites."

Seth:  "No, not Sam.  Seff."

Clerk: "Serf?"

Seth looked helplessly at Matthew.

Matthew:  "My brother's name is Seth and my sister's name is Lizzie.  And my name is Mmm-aaa-thththth-ew."

Said as if she were a little slow on the uptake.

I couldn't help it.  I laughed aloud at the absurdity of the conversation...besides which, I was annoyed with the clerk because she'd said to Lizzie earlier in the exchange that Lizzie's hair was beautiful but that she bet that Lizzie or her mommy might want to trade it for easier hair!  As if.

The Very Definition of "Imp"

Lizzie drives her brothers crazy.  She attacks their lego, destroys their carefully arranged hot wheels cars, mimics what they say to the point of (their) insanity, makes endless faces at them, laughs at their stubbed-toe pains, scoffs and says "no!" when they shriek at her to stop, won't back down when they tell her to let them play by themselves for a while, drops to the floor and hollers when she doesn't get her way with them...and still manages to have them come running to her for comfort when she hurts herself.  In short, she drives her brothers pretty much around the bend and has them wrapped around her little finger at the same time.

Lizzie has a crazy wicked little sense of humour, a twinkle in her eye, and a facial expression to go with every emotion that goes through her.  It's hard to get a picture of her without some kind of shenanigans happening first...it often takes about a dozen tries (and an occasional bribe, though they usually don't work) to get a good picture.

Here are a few shots of my girl (I could easily include hundreds of goofy shots here, but will pick the most recent ones)...none of them do justice to her emotive face, but it'll give you a taste.

(below)

An entirely 'put on' face for the camera.

(below)

I love the way she's looking at Grandma, as if she's up to no good!

 (below)

Classic Lizzie...a bit of a ham.

 

 

(below)

This is one of her favourite expressions...a pout with accompanying twinkle in the eye.

  

 

 

 

(below)

Can you see the twinkle?

(below) Putting on a puppy face.

 

(below right)

Can you see the tongue hanging out on the right?  That's classic Lizzie.

 

(below)

Hanging with the boys, getting ready to stair jump.

(below)

In her new gymnastics body suit

(below)

In a corn (sand)box (which I thought was a great idea)!  Love the fake little pout on the right.

 

 

  

(below)

And then there are just a few great shots of my Lizzie.  She's a real character and a real keeper, this one!