tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2528470033811673980.post4704595812904129637..comments2023-10-23T20:14:05.916-05:00Comments on Ruth's Rambles...: Another Parenting Thought: Apologizing for My ChildrenHi from Ruth!http://www.blogger.com/profile/04696686601621200587noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2528470033811673980.post-88177039840130558362013-04-17T20:56:41.863-05:002013-04-17T20:56:41.863-05:00Thanks for sharing another real-life situation, Ta...Thanks for sharing another real-life situation, Tammy...it's tough to figure these things out. I've seen your boys show care towards each other and I think it's lovely! It's so awesome seeing it come from the inside.<br /><br />ANyway, thanks, and to you, too, Andrea, for the comments.<br /><br />Hugs,<br /><br />RuthHi from Ruth!https://www.blogger.com/profile/04696686601621200587noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2528470033811673980.post-8977576854097494762013-04-17T19:54:29.253-05:002013-04-17T19:54:29.253-05:00You're giving me lots to think about... Thanks...You're giving me lots to think about... Thanks! Aandreahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00282217594247342772noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2528470033811673980.post-80252029820184202012013-04-17T17:02:50.825-05:002013-04-17T17:02:50.825-05:00Ah, apologies. This one hits close to home. We a...Ah, apologies. This one hits close to home. We are very close with our neighbours and their children. Sharing a yard together means there is plenty of opportunity for conflict. Not all the conflict is between the kids! When something goes wrong, our friends really push their kids to say sorry... which the kids usually do, though often without feeling. The sense is that they do it to get their parents off their backs so they can get back to playing! We take more of the Ruth approach, encouraging some conversation and showing of care, and modelling it ourselves by apologizing to the child in question. We do it because this feels right to us, and at the end of the day we're trying to encourage empathy and ways to restore friendship. As a child, I felt that having to say sorry was incredibly humiliating and just plain unthinkable. It wasn't because I was bad or couldn't empathize, in fact, I think it was just the opposite. So I'm not up to forcing my kids in that direction. I can see real empathy starting to develop, particularly between my boys, where they will genuinely apologize to each other if they hurt the other by accident or on purpose. They actually hug and kiss and make sweet baby voices to each other. It's beautiful when it flows naturally. All this said, I love my neighbours and totally respect them as parents. They are trying to be the best parents possible and are very thoughtful about it, too. I totally trust them. Where the awkwardness comes is when set of parents is really pushing an apology and the other isn't. After some conversation, the neighbours aren't forcing apologies to our kids, I think because it doesn't seem fair to for their kids to apologize when ours aren't. Anyways, sorry for such a long comment. I mostly just really want to affirm the approach you're taking and say thanks for helping me better understand what I'm doing and why!mommy besiegedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04588755821521839531noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2528470033811673980.post-22538501081232987472013-04-17T16:35:02.933-05:002013-04-17T16:35:02.933-05:00Thanks Melissa...and what a fabulous comparison ab...Thanks Melissa...and what a fabulous comparison about walking/talking to other developmental milestones!! Thanks for that further insight.<br /><br />I hesitate to speak too much for my parents, but certainly they raised me in a very strong behaviouralistic manner, like their own parents would have raised them and as their peers would have raised their children (and like parents still do today). I would say that my childhood home was quite a tightly controlled household.<br /><br />I just had a conversation this morning with my Mom, who has read my last two posts. Although my parenting style is familiar to her because she sees us in action all of the time, she probably doesn't know as much about the ideas that support it. One of her comments this morning was that a developmental approach actually made quite a lot of sense to her, but that she wouldn't have known how to implement it given that her comfort zone would certainly also have been within the behavioural context. No surprise there. <br />She also wondered out loud how my kids will fare in the 'real world' - by which she means the world they will enter as adults in a decade+. My response was that we would not be trying to implement this approach if we did we not firmly believe (or at least hope!) that it will result in kids who are not only well adapted to their world but also soft-hearted and able to contribute meaningfully in the context of their adult relationships.<br /><br />My Mom also said that she can see how this has been huge for my kids...perhaps especially for Seth. She has seen first hand how he has changed, particularly (but not exclusively) in the past few months. She also knows how sensitive/fragile a child Matthew is, by nature, and how a gentler developmental approach has been so affirming of him.<br /><br />I dare say that my Mom might be proud of me for being willing to do something different than the cultural norm (even if she doesn't fully understand it), and for being willing to do anything I possibly could to aid in my kids' development.<br /><br />THanks Melissa!<br /><br />Ruth<br /><br />Hi from Ruth!https://www.blogger.com/profile/04696686601621200587noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2528470033811673980.post-18102673757706378682013-04-17T12:19:49.495-05:002013-04-17T12:19:49.495-05:00Thank you for sharing, Ruth! Although I am not a ...Thank you for sharing, Ruth! Although I am not a parent, I work with children and truly believe in a developmental/biological perspective (with biology referring to innate traits and drives rather than the process of development). I find this very hard to maintain, however, because of the societal expectations we have about how children should be raised and my own lack of alternative models (having been raised in a very behaviouristic home) so I am often at a loss of how to respond during challenging situations. It is helpful to get some real-world examples from you!<br /><br />I find that there is an expectation that we can mould both children's behaviour and development but, it makes so much sense to me that things such as learning that truth is important and keeping our hands to ourselves are just as developmental as walking and talking. We can prop a child up to "walk" all the live-long day, but it's not our "teaching" that results in walking, it is developmental maturation. We want to feel that we have power over these things, but we don't! <br /><br />What do your own parents think about your parenting philosophy? <br />Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08889961219331055408noreply@blogger.com